TURNING BITTERNESS AND DARKNESS INTO SWEETNESS & LIGHT

The familiar, beloved scent of chocolate hit my nostrils as I walked into the Pralina boutique shop in Kfar Chabad. Looking around, I saw trays of pralines … chocolate … chocolate … and more chocolate … white and brown. Chess, dominoes and chocolate; packages tastefully designed

By: Hila Crispin

The place is small and well laid out and contains numerous accessories, with the common denominator being chocolate. Cartons of chocolates in different sizes and shapes. Silicon molds the color of chocolate of various kinds hanging on the walls, dozens of transparent molds hanging on the wall in the shape of hearts, sifrei Torah, earrings, cars, and more and more. On shelves on the side are various implements having to do with baking and chocolates. When I entered the store, in the center of the room was a large table covered with a plastic transparent tablecloth. On it were neatly placed spread out baking paper with printed pages laid out on top. Everything was ready for a chocolate workshop for women, which would be taking place that night.

THE NISAYON

How did you get involved in a chocolate boutique, where people learn how to make petit fours as well as Chassidus?

“I am a special education teacher by profession,” said Nechama Dina. “I was born and raised in Tzfas in a Lubavitcher family. I attended Beis Rivka in Kfar Chabad. I used to work as a preschool teacher and I taught special ed children. My husband worked as a truck driver. Life was routine until a tragedy led our family to drastic changes. It was a surprise that nobody wishes on themselves, but from the pain and trauma something new and powerful emerged.”

Nothing about her young, pretty, smiley appearance prepared me for the shock I would feel when I would hear her story. If I called this column “Heroines in Our Time,” there is no question that Pralina would fit this category. Heroism of the sort the Alter Rebbe writes about – that a person’s strength is not necessarily apparent when climbing to the top of Everest heights or in setting a new Guinness record, but in daily expending effort in working on one’s middos and in connecting with and faith in Hashem, the Rebbe, and the Torah.

This is what she said:

“It happened six years ago, the night before the school year began for my oldest son, who was seven at the time. My husband, who was young and healthy, was alone at home. He suddenly fell and lost consciousness. That morning he had complained about dizziness, but we did not suspect it was anything serious. He lay there for about forty minutes without anyone to help him. 

“I returned from a trip with my parents and when I came home I found him lying on the floor unconscious. I was unable to rouse him and I hysterically called his parents and we took him to the hospital. He had suffered a brain injury and lost his memory. A long, exhausting, slow process of rehabilitation ensued. We were married eight years at the time and had two children, ages five and seven and I was at the beginning of a pregnancy.

“Two weeks before this occurred, I wrote to the Rebbe and the Rebbe’s answer was that there would be a miracle and such a miracle that would be prominent. I immediately understood from my husband’s frightening appearance that it could have been a lot worse, and if the Rebbe wrote about miracles, this was apparently the miracle he was referring to.

“The letter and bracha from the Rebbe strengthened me, but it was a long process. After what happened, his personality changed very much. He did not know who we were, he did not remember his childhood nor his family – his parents, brothers, sisters. He was unaware of his talents and abilities. What was he worth, what could he give? Nothing. He did not remember elementary school, high school, or yeshiva. He was a blank page. His memory did not come back and he had to relearn everything and start life at thirty as if he was a baby.

“He did not remember me either, nor our children. It took him a long time until he understood who we are and began recognizing us. For example, he thought I was an employee at the hospital. He did not know how to talk and did not understand the language. He had no words or thoughts. He could not read nor write. He couldn’t soap up or take a shower and did not know how to hold a fork or knife. 

“Of course, he did not remember halachos, not about kashrus and not the laws of Shabbos and he did not understand why he had to wear a yarmulke. He tried to repeat the words we said and our movements. We didn’t know how to explain to him what grape juice is, so we took him to the store and showed him what grapes are. He did not have any language and we had to explain everything by showing him.”

THE BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT

How did you feel at that difficult time?

“I felt that I was living a nightmare and that it wasn’t possible that this was really happening. You think the nightmare will never end and you have to hold on to simple and absolute faith in Hashem, that’s all. So, along with all the hardships, I believed that he would one day get up on his feet and things would work out. That he would recover and get back to himself and that we would get back to being that wonderful family that we were before. It was clear to me that I had to save my family and the head of the family and therefore, there wasn’t time to think and fall into self-pity; I had to do what needed to be done. 

“It’s not that I didn’t cry. I cried plenty at night and asked Hashem to help me. And after a night of crying I would wipe my tears and would say to myself, ‘That’s that, you have to get up to a new day and thank Hashem for all the progress.’ I felt that I needed to preserve every drop of energy I had in order to move forward, and that I had to get him, myself, and the household to move forward. To think only about progress, not to think about the past and miss it because that wouldn’t help and it wouldn’t come back. It wasn’t easy. 

“The thanks, the Modeh Ani in the morning, gave me meaning and the strength to go on. From then until today I try to say Modeh Ani with concentration and thank Hashem for what I have. I davened a lot. I believed that if this happened, and ‘no bad descends from Above,’ that something good would come from this and this is what I davened for, even in the hospital when he was in an acute stage. The doctors were clueless and each one said something else. Nobody could tell me with confidence what would be, and to me it was clear that only Hashem could help me in this dire situation.

“In the midst of all the murkiness and uncertainty I experienced a very strong moment of connection with Hashem. It was when I was with my husband in the hospital after he already woke up and he looked at me blankly. I suddenly realized he did not know who I was. I thought he might remember the children and I showed him a picture of them on my phone. My heart sank when I saw no reaction. It was very painful. And then, along with the pain, I suddenly felt Hashem’s closeness in a palpable way. In that moment which was so very hard, I felt that I wasn’t alone. That Hashem is with me and completely in charge. I said to Hashem, ‘I don’t understand what You did to me and why You did this but see to it that something good emerges.’ The yechida of the soul, all the Tanya and Chassidus that I learned, suddenly came forth like a gift. I could not imagine what could come out of this, but the request and the emuna also contained the certainty that Hashem is with us and He would help us.

“I experienced that moment as a very strong moment of hiskashrus and in general, hiskashrus became branded into my consciousness in an intense way, because the moment I spoke to Hashem and stated that something has to come out of this, I internalized that there really could only be good.

“Years later, when I studied the topic of hiskashrus in depth, I discovered that in Chassidus it explains that when a person is in a state of total submission to Hashem, when your entire being is focused on speaking with Hashem with total bittul, then there is a powerful hiskashrus to Him. That is the moment when a person can bring about miracles. Any Jew.”

What miracles did you experience at that time?

The first miracle was that although my husband was unconscious for so long, he did not enter a coma. The second miracle is that after just one week he came home. The third miracle is that we were amazed to see how he immediately connected with the children who took a big part in his rehabilitation. 

We immediately started teaching him how to talk. Item by item, word by word, and everything through sensory experience. He would absorb some of it and repeat the sentences. At first, as I said, he did not understand the family construct and thought I was a nurse in the hospital and that he was interacting with the nurse’s children. He did not understand that I am his wife and that these are his children. We did exercises with him as much as we could. In the initial weeks, I was with him 24 hours a day because he needed constant supervision. My mother stayed with us and took care of the children. He did not know where he was, who he was, nothing. We showed him his closet, we opened drawers, and showed him the bathtub. We also took him for rehab at recommended places. 

I gave birth to a boy, who is six now, and then to a girl who is now four. Both of them were part of the process that helped him get on his feet, and we could only do that at home, when we were all together. Our oldest son who was seven at the time, helped him a lot in learning sensory based concepts. He sat with him with letters and numbers and taught him, like a little child. I took him to the supermarket and taught him the names of products. He caught on nicely but only to tangible things, so he had to undergo hypnosis in rehab to free his understanding so he could start grasping abstractions. After undergoing hypnosis, he understood the family structure. He saw similarities between himself and his brothers and started to connect with us, to learn more and more tangible and abstract concepts. I was happy with all the progress like you’re happy with the progress of a little child who learns new words.

SWEET REHABILITATION

How were you able to take him home after only a week?

There was a certain risk in doing that because you cannot anticipate how a person will react after amnesia. The doctors wanted to keep him hospitalized and do research, but I opposed that because I knew that could only make him worse. So I decided that we would take him home, embrace him, encourage him, give him warmth and love, and do all we could so it would be pleasant for him and so he would want to stay with us.

We were unfamiliar people to him and he had to decide whether to join us or not. For him to choose, to decide, to want, he had to reach a point where he could make a decision whether to remain with me and the children, to begin to think about whether he wanted what I have. He had to decide. He was not robbed of his free choice.

Everyone asks me if I didn’t want to leave. I am always taken aback by the question – what do you mean?! He is my husband and the father to my children and he was in a bad situation and needed help. To me, it was a given that I would do everything so he could return to being a father of our children, that he would be a role model in shul. To me he was simply reborn at the age of thirty, after he woke up.

After a year and a half of great progress, we had to find him an occupation. I knew that this was also in my hands and I began to think about how I would find him the right job that would connect him even more to life, to himself, to society, to the family, to me. An occupation that would rebuild his self-worth and his inner self image, and I thought that the best thing would be to get him to manufacture something that people need so he would feel worthwhile.

How does chocolate enter your story?

Chocolate is my favorite treat since forever. I’ve always loved chocolate. It was something that had to be hidden in the house, otherwise it would disappear. After what happened to my husband, I felt that I had to do something artistic in order to channel my tension in positive ways. I wanted something that could include my husband, something people need and want.

At first I tried bringing him into the kitchen because he has good hands. I wanted him to learn to express himself through his hands. Then I had the idea of creating chocolate confections for Purim and selling them. I heard that there wasn’t much of this in the Kfar and thought it could be another source of income too. At first I did it for him, because I believed it would help him, so no obstacle could stand in my way. 

I went to someone who made chocolate and got direction and guidance. Then I said to my husband, come, let’s make something with chocolate; are you with me in this?

He didn’t understand and said, yes, yes, and then he got it and said, you’re not normal! Who will buy it? Why should they come and buy it?

I said, “I’ve already started advertising. We can’t stop it.” He still didn’t believe anything would come of it. I showed him what needed to be done and just asked him to help me. He softened a little and began to help. When the phone started to ring he became excited. We combined all sorts of flavors and shapes and made petit fours.

We prepared taste treats for whoever wanted to check us out. Someone tasted the chocolates and exclaimed, “Wow, I want a hundred like these!” Someone else called and ordered two hundred and my husband, who was so excited, stood all night and made hundreds of these chocolates. I felt that Hashem was giving us very special kochos.

SHLICHUS IN A CHOCOLATE WORKSHOP

“From this nisayon I learned something else that I encourage strongly. The solution is found where we do a chesed for someone else. When there are problems and I help someone else, the solution comes through him. For example, a week ago I needed to deal with the business accounts (this is something that I learned to like, with a lot of working on myself, because it goes against my nature) and I was unable to find the solution to a particular problem that I was struggling with for two weeks already. Then a relative asked me for help in checking bank statements and I agreed to help him. I think that it’s on this chesed that the world stands, especially chesed with family members. It is such a big thing to help a husband, because if I don’t help my husband, who will? My helping my husband is helping my home, my children, myself. It’s that way with every husband because everyone has their difficulties and limitations.

“We started manufacturing and selling chocolates. People loved our products and as I described, it really excited my husband and provided him with a ray of light. I studied the field and took courses and workshops and I mainly practiced and practiced with all my failures going to the family. At some stage, when it started becoming intensive, it was hard for me. Till today, my husband suffers from pain in his body and head. So I made the chocolates myself even when I was before or after giving birth and could not operate based on my abilities but according to life’s demands. I had to move the business forward and not let it fall on him because he wasn’t able to physically handle it.

“Today we are at the point where he is my advisor and gives me ideas. He still goes to physical rehabilitation three times a week. He is a very talented person and is quick and efficient. In four hours he does the work of eight hours. He is organized and systematic.”

Tell us a little about running Pralina.

I manufacture all our products from quality raw ingredients with excellent kashrus. It’s important to use the ingredients in the right way to achieve good results. I don’t use margarine, just high quality ingredients like cocoa butter, for example, which is expensive and tastes great. Most cheap chocolates have less of it. The general technique is something that you learn and actually putting it into practice is what turns you into a professional. The attempts and failures and mishaps in the middle are what turn you into an expert.

The Rebbe wrote to me, through the Igros Kodesh, that this place, Pralina, is a Chabad House, and every time I worried about how to proceed and invest it was clear to me that the Rebbe was taking care of things. I remind myself that the Rebbe is running this business. As time passed there was a growing demand and I decided to provide workshops in which I teach women how to make pralines and I combine the workshops with classes on Chassidus.

Who attends your workshops and what is unique about them?

Women come from all over the country, from Acre to Ofakim and Beer Sheva. We even had a customer from Argentina who was vacationing in Eretz Yisroel and was looking for something interesting to learn. I teach them how to make petit fours, specialty desserts and chocolate icings for cakes. There is also a Tanya class here once a week given by R’ Aryeh Kirshnzaft and that elevates all our work to k’dusha.

In the workshops I strongly emphasize kashrus. I explain, for example, about the silicon molds that become dairy if you use them one time for dairy, and you can’t change it. I teach how to check walnuts and almonds etc. I always try to insert some spiritual content into the workshops. Someone who was in an accident and came to the course with a broken leg was given a pushka for her car. Women leave here with inspiration.

There was a woman who took the workshops and I mentioned to her that it was almost 19 Kislev and it was very important to attend a farbrengen. She said, “Okay, maybe I’ll go.” At the next workshop she said, “I want to tell you that after more than two years of not attending a farbrengen, I came back so inspired. I took my siddur that I hadn’t touched in two years and started saying T’hillim again.”

One of the regulars at the Tanya class would use inappropriate words. I told her that this is a Chabad House. We are making food here and we need a positive atmosphere. If we sully the air, we need to purify it, as it says in Chassidus. She said, what’s Chassidus? What is this Tanya? I need to know. That is how she became a regular at the shiurim. It is specifically the person that is drawn to the “other side” that is actually searching. Our Sages say about our generation, “the face of the generation is like the face of a dog.” The Rebbe says that just like a dog says, gimme, there is also a thirst for k’dusha, for the positive.

In a lecture that I give, I say that I am not here to innovate but to share my nisayon in order to give others strength. I tell my story in Chabad Houses, at evenings for women, vacation weekends. Because I went through something so extreme I must share it with others, especially young women, so they appreciate what they have and also to give strength to women who are going through difficult times. I hold them so they don’t fall into the abyss.

HAPPY LIKE A BRIDE!

Tell us about the turning point, when you began to see the fruits of your efforts.

It was very hard for me over the years when my husband did not go to shul. I would go to shul with a friend and the children and he would stay at home. It tore me up inside that I had to go without him. I was especially anxious about the bar mitzva of our oldest son. What would be? Who would take him for his aliya to the Torah? To put on t’fillin?

In the meantime, I persisted in working with the insight I had from this occurrence, about always looking for the good points. I saw only difficulties and what gave me the strength was developing a “good eye.” Only a good eye builds a marriage and gives a person the strength to go on. I could complain from morning till night and that was easy to do, but I chose to seek the good in my circumstances.

Then came our personal Geula. One day, my husband got up and went to shul. Until then, he suffered greatly from pains and weakness, and when he started going to shul and experiencing the yomim tovim, the t’fillos, the simcha of k’dusha, of achdus, the atmosphere in shul and the farbrengens, he got the strength to deal with his hardships and pains which he still has now.

He made incredible progress. He started arranging the kiddushim after the davening on Shabbos, arranging a Tanya shiur before davening on Shabbos, and arranging farbrengens. He then started wearing a sirtuk and hat and then came the day when he took our son for his hanachas t’fillin. It was such a moving day, I was happy like a kalla, for the father of my child took him and I did not have to find someone else to take him.

There was a family that helped us a lot. We would go to them to learn how to behave with the children, how to run a Shabbos table. My husband sat and learned from the head of this family how to be a father, how to speak to the children, how to create a joyous atmosphere. Our family which was broken into pieces slowly began to come together. Today he suffers from the same difficulties but he learned ways to deal with them, and with it all he still needs encouragement from me. I learned that every woman maintains her house and in order to succeed, a woman needs to be an optimist. We need to constantly believe that things will work out.

Every woman needs to bring chayus into her home, into the routine. Even when there aren’t dramatic hardships like I have, we need to seek sources of chayus. There are other difficulties within families, difficulties with children, with parnasa, and other everyday stuff. But the avoda is to always bring chayus into the house and to value yourself as a woman. If we focus on what we lack, that is the yetzer ha’ra. We need to focus on the good and on what we accomplished and be satisfied. A woman needs to encourage herself so she can encourage her husband and children. And with the husband too, not to look at what he doesn’t do but at what he does. Not at what isn’t good but at what is good. In the present and the future.

Following this nisayon with my husband, I learned all sorts of therapeutic approaches. I know which good qualities he has and how to move forward. Instead of being involved in how hard it is for my son, for example, I focus on how I can help him and what I can do. That’s the focus. No psychologist or psychiatrist can give us that. We must constantly go out, help, look for where we can contribute. Obviously, not at the family’s expense. It is always a good thing for children to see parents busy doing good things. They should see that we can grow from hardships, being a personal example of dealing with life. And every day look for what is good.

The home is in the hands of the woman and her state of mind, in her giving. A woman needs to know that she received the genetic makeup and the ability to run a Jewish home from the holy Matriarchs.

Remember, behind every man is a woman. Yesterday, I woke up with pains in my legs and it was very hard for me to drag myself out of bed. Then I said to myself: Get up! Get up quickly because if you start to kvetch to him you will immediately pull him down.

A HEALTHY SWEET

What is so special about chocolate?

Chocolate brings joy to the home. It makes people happy. After I saw that working with chocolate was helping my husband, I felt that I myself was beginning to love it, and I wanted to be involved with something that engenders happiness. Chocolate is therapy for all the senses. It releases endorphins when eaten, smelled, seen, and in making it – when touching it. Women who come to the workshops get this therapy.

Additionally, chocolate is also a present that is always joyfully received. People remember chocolate. For my son’s bar mitzva I put chocolate t’fillin at each person’s plate and everyone loved it. It is a nice way to combine ruchnius and gashmius. Chocolate is considered the healthiest sweet. It has no unhealthy chemical ingredients like in other nosh. And chocolate becomes something spiritual when you elevate it to k’dusha. For example, we started a Tanya campaign which is still ongoing. Every child who comes to the store and says Tanya gets chocolate. There are kids who come all the time. I believe that when the child grows up, every time he sees chocolate he will think of Tanya. He will have a positive association of Tanya with chocolate. 

It started when a child came to the store and wanted chocolate. I told him, “If you say Tanya I will give you chocolate.” He began saying Tanya and I gave him chocolate and then he said, “Wait, I didn’t finish yet,” and he went on and on. I tried it with other kids and it always worked. They did not leave immediately with the chocolate they got but continued saying Tanya. Whoever has a business needs to do chesed with it and this brings blessing. Take your talents and use them for k’dusha. I specialize in gourmet chocolates and gourmet desserts for events. Everything is Badatz HaEida HaChareidis, pareve. We have platters and desserts for events.

We also try to invite a lot of guests for Shabbos. I prepare easy things in the oven and the guests bring salads. We try to make our house a happy place. There are a lot of z’miros on Shabbos. I work many hours a day and Shabbos gives me strength for the entire week. My husband says that the guests make us forget our pains.

What message do you have for women?

When a woman awaits her personal Geula, she needs to see in her mind’s eyes how everything will work out, and to aspire to this and to believe that even if it takes two or three years, it will ultimately work out. We need to show gratitude for the future already now and get into a Geula mindset.