TEACHING CHILDREN TO ACCEPT THE TORAH

At the Giving of the Torah, we encountered the values of modesty, Jewish unity, appreciation, and kabbalas ol. Each of these concepts and values is a teaching unto itself. How do we teach children according to these values and how do we bring them to a state of implementation in their day-to-day lives? Beis Moshiach presents a fascinating discussion on education with Rabbi Chaim Yosef Kumer, first-grade teacher at the “Ohr Menachem” Chabad Talmud Torah in Tzfas, commemorating his seventeen years of work in the field. “Our children are our guarantors.”

Translated by Michoel Leib Dobry

The Midrash states that when G-d wanted to give the Torah to the Jewish People, He asked for guarantors that the Jews would keep and learn the Torah, fulfilling every word contained therein. After lengthy negotiations, G-d accepted the people’s suggestion: “Our children will be our guarantors.” If the adults forget and don’t observe the Torah properly, the children will come and keep the Torah, continuing the tradition for the succeeding generations. The proposal pleased G-d, and He gave the Torah to the Jewish People.

We sought to clarify this important matter with veteran teacher Rabbi Chaim Yosef Kumer. This year Rabbi Kumer marks seventeen years as a teacher with the “Ohr Menachem” Chabad Talmud Torah in the Holy City of Tzfas.

First and foremost, we wanted to hear about true assurance, education for greater unity, humility, kabbalas ol, and how to instill faith within our children in a manner of “even when he will be old he will not depart from it.” Similarly, we laid out a series of complex questions, and we received some very clear answers and guidelines that can help every father, mother, teacher, and educational counselor.

“As we meet for an educational Torah interview, there’s one statement that I heard quite some time ago that summarizes one of our primary educational cornerstones,” said Rabbi Kumer as we sat down together. “If you taught Torah to a child and he’s sad, you should know that while you may have taught him Torah, this wasn’t G-d’s Torah. G-d’s Torah is supposed to make the child happy, uplift him, and grant him material joy - not just spiritual.”

EDUCATION WITH JOY

The obvious question with which to open this interview is: What does it mean “Our children are our guarantors?”

The explanation is quite simple and basic: It is incumbent upon the adults to educate the younger generation in continuing to carry the torch of Yiddishkait.

In what form should this education be in order to reach a situation whereby our children really are our guarantors?

The first and most important thing is to create a situation where everything is connected to Yiddishkait, Torah, and mitzvos. While this should be done with kabbalas ol, there must also be an atmosphere of joy and a feeling of success. As soon as a child feels good about the values of Yiddishkait and Chassidus, he’ll have everything he needs. While he may not remember what you taught him or what you said, he will surely recall how he felt at that stage in his life. It is within our power to help the child rejoice with the Torah.

You say that a child has to feel joy with his mitzvah observance. How do we achieve this?

In the world of education, we clearly see the realization of the saying of our Sages, “One mitzvah brings about another, and one transgression brings about another.” When I compliment a child, he will repeat his good actions to receive more praise. We give a word of approval to a child, and he continues to perform those deeds that earned him the commendations. As a result, we find ourselves giving him continuous encouragement, and the ball gets rolling. In contrast, every time we rebuke him, and his entire education adds up to nothing more than one big punishment, it doesn’t take much to realize that the next one won’t be long in coming. It all depends upon us to use greater encouragement, not constant reprimand.

The way of proper education is to cause all negativity to disappear by placing greater emphasis upon the positive. I encourage and praise good students in my class or the actions of other students at home. This gets them to act in an appropriate manner, creating a desire for them to receive compliments. The choice of whether to direct our energies in a negative or a positive direction is entirely in our hands.

Do compliments work well with older children?

First of all, we must begin with this positive approach at a very early age, and not wait until the child gets older. Nevertheless, it’s still possible to educate children in this fashion, even during the teenage years. While such children are no longer within the category of “guarantors,” having passed the age of bar/bas mitzvah, we continue looking for positive aspects in their conduct. This method is most helpful in getting children to feel that they belong and are loved.

However, together with positive reinforcement, I don’t forget for a moment about the need to set limits. There must be limits when dealing with children, but I compare this more to a door. While a door is a form of limitation, I don’t have to stand guard all the time and make sure that it’s closed. The fact that it’s there is enough for children to understand that it exists.

REMEMBERING A NIGHT OF TORAH STUDY AS A HAPPY OCCASION

One of the main features of Mattan Torah was unity. The revelation on Mt. Sinai only became possible in the merit of Jewish unity, as is written, “And Israel encamped there” - in the singular. At that moment, the Jewish People removed all dispute, standing there “as one man with one heart.” How can we, as parents and educators, convey this feeling of unity to our children?

In my opinion, as parents, we must first educate ourselves in this matter. In every life situation, you can talk about the negative, “There’s no perfection in this world.” There’s no lack of dispute anywhere, and it’s quite easy to get negative and talk that way. As parents and educators, we have to accustom ourselves to think and speak only good things about Jews. When this happens, and the children grow up in a house with mutual respect and only positive talk, this influences them to act the same way towards their own friends. This is one of the most important limits on the home front: not speaking ill about others.

However, when strife does occur, it depends upon us, the teachers, and how much we know to quell the fire or to fuel it. It’s impossible to prevent strife all the time, and if it’s hard for adults, imagine how difficult it is for children. When I deal with friction between children, I don’t invest an inordinate amount of time into it. In such a case, the child realizes that he can get a lot of negative attention, and I don’t want that. Together with solving the dispute and reaching a sense of true unity, I emphasize the positive points of each quarreling side. In general, many children often get into a fight in order to attract attention, but if we show them that we love them, see them, and listen to them without all the fighting, they won’t try to follow that route.

My wife and I have been blessed to raise a large family, and we have established a daily custom of speaking with one of our children privately for at least fifteen minutes. While it’s not easy, each child, regardless of his/her conduct, gets personal time from their parents - and this is something extremely important. A child feels that we care about him, we’re listening to him, and we’re there for him.

Another facet of Mattan Torah is the concept of “We will do and we will hear” - receiving the Torah with kabbalas ol. Can we educate children in these times with the expectation that they will faithfully act and then understand?

Without any doubt, it is possible to educate children with kabbalas ol in our times. The matter depends only upon us. However, this also must be done joyfully.

For example, on the night of Shavuos, our whole family sits and recites Tikkun Leil Shavuos together. This is a longstanding tradition in our home. The kids wait all year for this evening. There’s a pleasant family atmosphere, and the children happily stay awake almost the whole night.

In this manner, the child will remember Shavuos night as a happy and enjoyable occasion, not a night he dreads because he has to stay awake. When this is his experience, it’s no wonder that he will continue following this custom as he grows older and more mature. On the other hand, let the truth be said: There is no doubt that things are not exactly as they were in earlier generations. Children today, more than ever before, ask the question “Why?” They dare to answer back to their elders, whereas when we were children, this would never happen.

Thus, as I have already noted, we have to place limits. If a child behaves in a manner contrary to what is expected of him, he is essentially waiting for us to set limits for him. However, many people make the mistake of making the connection between limits and automatic punishment. Using the approach of “If you do what your parents say, you get a prize, and if you don’t, you get punished’ simply doesn’t work. We must make our demands firmly, just as we do when we expect the child to keep Shabbos, daven, etc. - but not through punishment.

THERE’S NO REPLACEMENT FOR A LIVING EXAMPLE

When I speak with children, I do so clearly. It’s impossible to ignore the fact that a person can act against the Torah and the animal soul enjoys it. This represents a state of tremendous spiritual concealment. We have the power of choice whether to do what gives us momentary enjoyment or to do what is right - what our forefathers and the Holy Torah have taught us. Only a tzaddik doesn’t have a yetzer ha’ra, and we’re not talking about tzaddikim. While it’s true that dealing with such conflicts are often quite difficult, I don’t always refrain from doing what’s hard to do - and that’s something we have to speak about to our children.

Another extremely important element is the need to set a living example. Children go out with their father and mother to do mivtzaim in their neighbors’ homes, joining others in manning a t’fillin stand on Fridays, and when they know they are on shlichus in some remote location in the world with an educational mission that is no less important, they realize that they are playing a vital role in bringing the Redemption. When this is the atmosphere at home, it’s much easier for the child to deal with the bad effects of this world.

The Midrash states that when the mountains heard that G-d was about to give the Torah on one of them, all the tall mountains came and said: “The Torah should be given upon me, the Torah should be given upon me.” Mt. Sinai stood alone, embarrassed. It was a low mountain, and what could it say in the face of these taller mountains? G-d told them: “Why are you running around, tall mountains? I am giving the Torah specifically upon Mt. Sinai, which is a low mountain. Thus, we learn that we merit receiving the Torah only through humility. Can we educate our children to be humble?

As a teacher, I have had many years of doubts on this issue. While Chassidus teaches us and demands that we should ‘nullify our yesh,’ over the years I have seen students so ‘nullified’ that they’ve lost their self-confidence and more. On the other hand, those students who some might call arrogant and conceited achieve far greater success in learning Gemara and Chassidus, memorizing Mishnayos and Tanya, etc. Is this Torah and its reward? Do only the proud and haughty succeed in their studies while others struggle to maintain any faith in their own abilities?

Several years ago, when leading educator Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson visited Eretz Yisroel, I asked him if only those walking around with a feeling of self-importance are able to succeed. His reply came from a direction I had never considered before: Those children who learn and succeed are actually quite humble, while those who are shy need someone to arouse them and instill them with self-confidence. What is bittul? Nullifying our will to the Rebbe, the m’shaleiach, what Chassidus teaches us, and the feeling that ‘how fortunate are we, how good is our portion, and how pleasant is our lot’ that we are Chassidim. We must realize the great privilege we have had in receiving a Chabad education and being part of the Rebbe’s holy flock. This is true bittul: making an effort to learn Torah by heart, creating a passageway to our strengths and abilities.

One final question in conclusion: One of the names of the Shavuos holiday is the ‘day of the first fruits’. The substance of the mitzvah of bikkurim is giving thanks and praise to G-d for the good he has granted us, as the earth gives us its fruits. It seems that in our plentiful culture, children see everything as a given. How do we educate children to study Torah and appreciate what they’re getting?

I noticed something rather interesting: When a child knows in advance what he’s about to receive, it often turns into a ‘business’. The child lives with the feeling that if he does, he gets - but he doesn’t really appreciate the reward. Therefore, I often use praise as a form of reward - words of encouragement before all the children or a note for the parents. I only bring out a tangible prize occasionally, but I do this as an unexpected surprise. As a result, the child will have far greater appreciation for what he receives.

The biggest mistake is getting a child used to doing something for a reward. This leads to children squeezing us: ‘You want me to do what you say? Give me a prize!’ The demands will increase over time, and we simply can’t meet them. I always say that no one thanks an ATM machine, even though it provides us with good service…

From my personal experience, I have seen that giving something unexpectedly is a most effective tool. Only then are children encouraged to ‘Thank you’. While I’ll never force a child to say ‘Thank you’, if he does, I make a big thing about it. ‘How nice and polite you are’, and the other children hear this, internalizing the fact that saying ‘Thank you’ is a very good thing.

**BOX**

…And therefore, the emphasis on education is demanded, and afterwards regarding knowledge, and then - as much as the teacher manages to give is surely good. As for the rest, the student will seek on his own where he can supplement what he is missing and doesn’t know. To our great regret, this is one of the things that has not been properly corrected. Teachers in the previous generation did their job faithfully, but now there is confusion and disorder.

And there is a unique connection with the Season of the Giving of the Torah, as G-d asked for guarantors from the Jewish people that they will observe the Torah, and they said, “The forefathers will be guarantors,” etc., and He didn’t give them the Torah until they said, “Our children will be our guarantors.” They were then given the Torah, as the children would guarantee that the parents would do before they understood. As is known, when the parents are lacking in something, they try to fill this in their children’s education, and when they say, “Our children are our guarantors,” they have accepted upon themselves to educate their children in a manner of action before understanding. This is the condition for successful Torah study, which will be a directive for one’s daily life.

All in all, when parents send their children to a place of education, they must say that the first thing they want is for the child to be “a yid,” and if they don’t know how to demand this, the learning institution and the teacher(s) must know that their main job is not as in the past, merely to transmit wisdom and knowledge, rather the main thing now is to give the children a Jewish education, and when the education is proper, [then] “Give a wise man, and he will become yet wiser.”

(Farbrengen, Shavuos 5734 - free translation)