LIVING THE CONNECTED LIFE

A year after Ami and Avital Baram married, Ami began taking an interest in Judaism. Avital found herself dealing with a new Boss in the house – Hashem Himself! * Avital shares her journey with us, until founding the organizations, “Hitkashrut Zugit,” and “Hitkashrut Chavaya Yehudit,” as per the teachings of the Rebbe, for the broader public.

By Hadar Mizrachi

PERSONAL CONFLICT

A year after Ami and Avital Baram married, Ami began the teshuva process. For Avital, “This was no simple thing. Suddenly there was the sense that Hashem is running things and He, instead of me, decides the rules. I found myself dreading my husband’s becoming religious.”

Did you consider divorce?

From the beginning, we wanted to build. I wanted to give it a chance and not break our home apart.

We lived like that, as a mixed couple, for seven years, in the course of which my husband became a Chabadnik. Our daughter went to the Chabad preschool and we met other families that were like ours. At some point, we created a workshop with the psychologist Esther Meizlish of Kfar Chabad, who gave us the tools to manage family life. And from this space we were able to grow.

From our personal desire to create a connection and build our home, the “Hitkashrut Zugit” (Bonding Couples) workshops were born.

We realized that many families needed the knowledge we had gained, so we began holding workshops for the public. The workshops developed over the years. Today we help hundreds of families like these and teach that it is not necessary to break up the home. With motivation and creativity, it is possible to preserve the family. You can carry on like this too, with respect and love. We have similar workshops for parents of children who became baalei teshuva and for those whose children have gone off the derech r”l.

What caused you to become religious?

As soon as there was a good atmosphere in the home, without coercion and without tension, I had the ability to examine things at my own pace. When the threats and coercion toned down, I felt confident to see whether this was for me. And in fact, I tried it and saw that it was good and began my own teshuva journey.

PURE FOCUS ON MARRIAGE

Do you try to make baalei teshuva with your workshops?

Not at all. People in crisis come to us. If couples feel our goal is to make them religious, I lose their trust. The first thing we do is remove this threat. Our goal is to restore peace in the home. The Torah is in favor of shalom bayis even if one spouse is not observing Torah and mitzvos like the other spouse. It says that for the sake of shalom bayis, Hashem is even willing to have His name erased. So to us, the main thing is to preserve the marriage, to give people the tools to run a healthy home, to raise a healthy family. In general, Judaism is about building a home, an everlasting edifice. When the two sides understand that this is the main thing, the battles cease and together, they start building a path to understanding and cooperation.

As for doing teshuva, I know from experience that only when a person is not in a threatening environment can he choose the direction that suits him. You cannot force someone to do teshuva. One of the participants at a workshop said to me, “If only I could do teshuva.” It has to happen to a person; the inspiration needs to happen willingly, not be forced.

What sorts of conflicts do people bring to the workshops?

Often, when a person is first becoming a baal teshuva, they are flying. In such a situation, the standing of the spouse becomes weakened and he or she feels betrayed. Many baalei teshuva become extreme out of fear or due to ignorance. Sometimes they are particular about chumros without considering the environment. Problems also arise with the extended family. They don’t eat with the family or they cut off ties. But there really is no need for that because solutions can be found.

There are instances where a spouse adopts a new practice without explaining it and as a result, the opposing side has no ability nor desire to understand it. Very often, each of the spouses digs in to his and her position without trying to reach common ground.

We had a couple come to us where the woman refused to kasher the kitchen, so the husband ate cold food on disposable plates for five years. Obviously, this fight did not serve the couple nor the children. We taught them that it is possible to become more religious in a much more balanced fashion from both sides.

How are conflicts resolved at a workshop?

The workshop is actually a course that lasts four months. During this time, people go through a process which enables them to dismantle things and rebuild from a balanced place. The workshops have professionals running them; a psychologist, a communications consultant, and Rabbi Nachmanson who finds common ground between couples from a halachic perspective.

Rabbi Nachmanson has saved many marriages with piskei halacha that enabled couples to preserve the family unit. By the way, it wasn’t easy to find professionals who would understand the complexities of this kind of situation. Often, baalei teshuva are in touch with rabbis who, unfortunately, encourage them to remain strong without understanding the consequences on the marriage. We have also heard of cases where, due to lack of understanding, they threatened the woman that if she doesn’t follow her husband, it will lead to a divorce.

We use many examples and guidelines from the Rebbe on the topic of shalom bayis. There is a letter from the Rebbe which explains how much a proper family life impacts all other aspects of a person’s life, including health, and for generations to come. In general, the Rebbe’s approach allows people to find where they belong at the place where they are, without being judgmental and with understanding every individual’s needs. Many couples who come to us feel comfortable, for this reason, sending their children to Chabad schools, and it is definitely a solution that saves children and the whole house. We teach people the basic principles of Ahavas Yisroel.

There is a story we always tell in our workshops of a woman who wanted to move to Yerushalayim, to daven at the Kosel and eat kosher. Her husband was a businessman in Thailand and what can I tell you … The licentiousness and abundance of non–kosher food …

She went to the Rebbe and he told her to go to Thailand with her husband instead of to the Kosel. In general, those who come to us and see the picture of the Rebbe realize they have come to a Chabad House. Some are turned off at first, but the intimidation quickly recedes.

At the workshops, we first work on neutralizing the conflict, the coercion and intimidation, and teach how to respect one another and operate effectively. We help couples develop choices that fit their home and help them move forward. Together we examine what can be done to achieve more balance. For example, there was a husband who became a baal teshuva when his children were older, and every Friday night after kiddush, the children and wife would laugh before the HaMotzi blessing. They were laughing about the strange practice of remaining silent before cutting the challah.

The husband’s feelings of isolation were raised in the workshop. The wife got to understand where her husband was at and decided that she wants to stand by him and support him, even though she did not identify with the importance of what he did. This new desire was engendered as a result of her thinking about the situation, which led her to a new understanding. Her opposition melted and when the children saw their parents unified, the atmosphere in the home soon became a healthy one.

This is how every family chooses solutions that are right for them. We don’t dictate, but teach the family how not to create a conflict in which each is trying to achieve victory at the expense of the other and of course not at the expense of the children. One of our main challenges is how to mediate for the children the existence of two worlds that are not in conflict. Children can live with the differences but they can’t live with a fight where they must take a stand. So we are constantly looking for points of agreement.

Boruch Hashem, we have a high success rate. There are many graduate families, people who completed the course who learned from their experiences. Over the years, an active community has formed of couples and families who spend Shabbasos and holidays together. We have programming throughout the year which helps people feel comfortable in the place where they are at, for each of the two sides.

Is it the irreligious spouse who takes the initiative to attend the workshop?

Not necessarily. Both spouses find it hard. Couples often think that they can handle it on their own so it’s important to emphasize that tools are needed to deal with a situation like this successfully. The distress is acute and unfortunately, couples sometimes come to us when it’s too late. The rifts that were created do not allow for healing. We encounter people who had unpleasant experiences and do not have the desire to listen and to work out a path together.

What is your message to people who find themselves in such a situation?

It is possible to learn and to change, to go through the entire process, which is complex and challenging, in a balanced and healthy manner. It is possible to tone down the frustration level and to learn to accept the change. When there is no threat and there is respectful behavior, each half of the couple can grow in an atmosphere of mutual consideration and shalom bayis. Even the opposing side has an opportunity to grow and become stronger. Despite the fact that the subject is very complex, I think we have succeeded in building a workshop that provides a professional and well–grounded approach to these challenges.

CHASSIDIC VALUES SEMINAR

Tell us about “Hitkashrut Chavaya Yehudit” (Bonding Jewish Experience)?

Over the years, alongside our work with couples, we developed the Jewish experience seminar. These are weekend seminars (Thursday through Shabbos), with the best speakers in Chabad. Our goal is to make it possible for people to be exposed to the teachings of Chassidus in an experiential and pampered way, materially and spiritually.

It began twelve years ago, when we did not have a space to hold our Yom Tov activities, so we rented rooms in a hotel, and it all grew from there…

At that time, my husband was directing the outreach activities of Chabad of Givatayim, and he began to organize Shabbatons. We started in Mitzpeh Rimon with R’ Slonim. About fifty people would come, getting together for Shabbos. The atmosphere was good and there were speakers, t’fillos, and delicious food. We noticed that there was no organization in Chabad that was offering seminars like “Arachim,” so we began to hold seminars in hotels. We received a bracha from the Rebbe for success in this shlichus, and thank G–d, today the seminars are very large and high quality. Each one attracts hundreds of people, and the crowd is extremely varied. Some people even come from our marriage workshops. Many times, people who come are exposed to Chassidus for the first time in their lives. We guide them to where they can continue to learn, and we have a lot of repeat customers. Each weekend has lectures, farbrengens, musical appearances and everything that can help to open hearts and minds.

What does the word “hiskashrus” mean to you?

Hiskashrus to me means connectivity. The opposite of separateness. This is the path to Geula. To know that you are not a separate entity and that true goodness is found in connections. Especially in our generation, when there are so many outlets for diversion and escapism, the true way to get out of that type of self–limiting behavior is only through hiskashrus. This is the path that the Rebbe paved for us.

Personally, I feel that my hiskashrus to the Rebbe is expressed in the sense that there is a broad consciousness, warm and secure, which is guiding this exile towards Geula, on an individual level for each person and on a national level for our nation, and ultimately for the whole world.

I feel that it is a privilege for me to be able to help build Jewish families and spread the teachings of Chassidus in a way that leaves people with a yearning for more.