“I HAVE NEVER FELT SO CLOSE AND CONNECTED”

Beis Moshiach wrote about the life and work of Reb Yehoshua Aryeh Dashiff a number of years ago (see issue #688). Now, sadly, besides some additional details, we are also sharing a glimpse into his final days, including a powerful family goodbye gathering, only one day before his passing, showing what it means to be a Chassid until the end.

By Yaron Tzvi

Photos by Meir AlfasiI got to know the Chassid, R’ Yehoshua Dashiff a”h when I lived in Rechovot, where Yehoshua lived in recent years. R’ Yehoshua, an American born Jew whose Chassidic refinement was readily perceptible, was a tall man whose friends say he was also “tall” spiritually. He did not call attention to himself, but many noticed him as he touched the lives of many people around him without having an official Torah position.

In preparing this article, I spent an evening with the family in his home in Rechovot. I went around to meet friends, and spoke on the phone with key people in his life. What I heard about him was quite fascinating, starting with his childhood in California, how he came to Chabad, his visits to 770, then his learning in Ohr T’mimim in Kfar Chabad and in 770, and the other stations in his life. [More about his background and how he came to Chabad was written in Beis Moshiach, issue 688].

EARLY YEARS

R’ Yehoshua was born on 15 Iyar 5717/1957 to Holocaust survivors who were not observant. They lived in a small town in California called Lancaster where he grew up until the end of his teens.

After his father’s passing, R’ Yehoshua went to Mexico to do some soul-searching which led to strengthening his Judaism. He started studying at the University of California, Berkeley, where there was a campus Hillel which he was involved with. He also connected with Chabad at Berkeley. He then switched to Ohr Elchanan Chabad in Los Angeles and developed a relationship with Rabbi Chaim Citron, who oversaw the baal teshuva division.

R’ Adam Dales, a friend of R’ Yehoshua from the beginning of his journey in Los Angeles, said, “Together we experienced the teshuva process and entered the sea of Torah. Unlike me, he was a Californian. He had a special sense of humor and lightness. I remember him singing Lecha Dodi with the dance movements popular at the time. He combined a lot of humor with commitment and depth out of a true desire to understand Jewish life.”

Around the year 5741 he moved to New York for a brief period which included visits to the Rebbe and learning in the yeshiva in Morristown.

“At that time, he took upon himself a regular schedule of learning and davening and became stronger in his avodas Hashem,” said his brother. “My brother was a deep person, and very exacting when it came to the details of tefilla and learning. He made a serious change of course in his life when he did teshuva. He always said that being in the Rebbe’s presence changed his life, as he realized this was a real tzaddik.”

IN ERETZ YISROEL

In 5742 he made aliya and learned in Ohr T’mimim, the yeshiva for English-speaking baalei teshuva, headed by Rabbi Shneur Zalman Gafni. R’ Adam Dales recounted, “He once reminded me that he made aliya because of a letter I sent him at that time, in which I told him how impressed I was by the learning and the style of Ohr T’mimim. He was gifted with depth and a broad perspective which he used to understand Torah. On Shabbasos I remember him dedicating time to learning before davening. He was able to learn even from someone like George Washington, whom Yehoshua used as a model of someone who maintained his principles.”

After learning there for a while, he decided he wanted to attend the Chassidus classes of the mashpia, Rabi Berel Kesselman. So too with Gemara, and although he found Gemara difficult, he persisted in understanding it and devoted many hours to it. He had a very precise schedule; he would learn Chassidus before davening for several hours, translating every word, working hard to learn the language and understand the words, and only then did he try to understand the content of the maamer. “He invested a lot of energy into it, a thorough work that he did for years,” says his wife.

Rabbi Tuvia Bolton, one of the roshei yeshiva of Ohr T’mimim, adds, “Yehoshua was a multifaceted person, talented and not run of the mill. We would speak a lot about his insights on life and about his approach to treating trauma.

“He knew when to be quiet and when to talk, and how to help someone with constructive criticism. As a truthful person who could not abide falsehood, he always sought to help others. He enjoyed talking to people who held opposing views and respected them, as long as they were straight and intellectually honest. He could not stand lies.

“We can definitely learn from him when it comes to the issue of devotion to the Rebbe and Chassidus. With him, you could see davening at length, thorough and comprehensive learning, out of a desire to internalize inyanim in Chassidus. He never sought to belong to a stream or group, and never tried to curry favor with anyone.”

In 5747, he met his wife and after they married he continued learning in the kollel in Kfar Chabad until they moved to Rechovot. Over the years, R’ Yehoshua worked as a teacher and mashpia in various places, like the Chabad House in Nes Tziyona where he taught Chassidus. He was also the mashpia in the Kollel Menucha Rochel in Chevron. In every location where he gave of himself, people would connect to him and follow him for years. He gathered students around him who were a sort of Chassidishe “kibbutz galuyos.”

In one of my conversations with him, R’ Yehoshua explained to me how he thought a person should learn Chassidus, as he put into practice with himself and his students.

“You need to learn a maamer four times, and the fifth time, you need to do a thorough review. The first time, you simply read the maamer. The second time you read it with understanding but without depth, including understanding the concepts, the abbreviations, etc. The third time, you review what you understood of the maamer without the book in front of you. The fourth time, you learn the entire content of the maamer, word by word, with full comprehension including the footnotes. Then, the fifth time, you review the content of the maamer by heart. This way, the maamer becomes something that you have truly acquired in your consciousness. You will remember it even ten years later.”

CHINUCH WITH ALL HIS HEART AND SOUL

R’ Yehoshua had a unique educational approach which he developed over the years.

“My husband was a teacher in Bais Rivka in Kfar Chabad,” said his wife. “He never had the students remain a passive listening audience. He turned them into active participants in the lesson. The learning too, he turned into something experiential, as much as possible. For example, they had special assignments that had them learning the material before the lesson, including questions that spurred them to think and express their opinions in writing.

“Once a semester, every student had to give a lecture of a few minutes on the topic being learned. He looked for all kinds of activities that helped them be involved and grasp the material they learned in class. There were students who told him that this was the first time that they were asked what they think and were not just lectured at.

“The marks that he gave on their work and tests were not graded on the usual scale of one to a hundred. He always weighed other factors. If the work wasn’t presented properly to his mind, he would give it back with comments that urged them to correct themselves, such as questions that led them to rethink it, or with corrections and the like, but he never failed anyone. His goal was to educate and enrich them, not just to deliver a lecture or to reward or punish them based on their level of understanding.”

In general, R’ Yehoshua was a role model of an educator. For example:

At some point he sold stop-smoking kits. He once went to meet with someone who was going to buy a kit like this from him. When he arrived, he met the new rav of the neighborhood, who had recently been appointed, who was smoking. He went over to him and said, with words from the heart, “You are a rav now and are a role model to others! When they see you smoke, they will smoke too because you give them a negative example. So you are not allowed to smoke!”

From the intensity of the words and the depth of heart from which they were said, the cigarette dropped from the rav’s hand and he never took another.

R’ Mordechai Brown, a good friend of R’ Yehoshua, tells of another approach of his in chinuch:

“During the shalom zachor for his youngest, Avrumi, who was born when Yehoshua was already sick, he spoke about the approach that is needed in chinuch. R’ Yitzchok Roitmar was there at the time and he was excited by what Yehoshua said. Yitzchok, who is a computer and media person, later videotaped Yehoshua giving shiurim and put them on YouTube, so we can view them.

“Yehoshua made a big deal about the Kuntres Chinuch V’Hadracha of the Rebbe Rayatz and took proper approaches to education from there. Many of his shiurim were on this topic. He continued giving classes on this topic during his illness. He had a dream of developing this further and getting schools to implement it fully. This is one of the reasons why he started giving a series of shiurim that were videotaped, but this was something he was unable to complete.”

BEING HEALTHY BEFORE ALL ELSE

R’ Yehoshua was also a licensed therapist, and can even be described as an expert and leading force in Eretz Yisroel in Somatic Experiencing (SE). This is a therapy aimed at relieving the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other mental and physical trauma-related health problems by focusing on the client’s perceived body sensations (or somatic experiences).

A person oscillates between positive and negative states. The problem, as a result of trauma, is being immersed in a negative state to the point of being unable to use one’s G-d-given tools. With this method, a person learns to identify areas of physical or mental distress (which are sourced in the trauma) through negative energy (trauma) which is expressed in various ways in the body such as itching, tremors, sweating, etc. The treatment entails increasing the positive over the negative through movement and meditation until the person frees what is stuck. R’ Yehoshua would explain many of the principles of this method according to the teachings of Chassidus.

We spoke with Mrs. Gila Halevy, a well-known Lubavitcher therapist, who met R’ Yehoshua due to her interest in his treatment method. She then studied Chassidus with him.

“Today, I quote Yehoshua and his wise sayings a lot when I treat people. He was a tremendous influence on me. He had such inner wisdom that it is hard to describe in words. One of the special things about him was his ability to draw someone close to Torah and mitzvos without the person feeling coerced in any way. He would go on mivtzaim and ask people, “Do you want to put on t’fillin? I am here just to make this opportunity possible for you.” It was so nice and refined, and people responded positively in most cases.

“I heard about his SE treatment method in a lecture of his on the internet, and I decided that I want to know more about it, so I met with him. Then I started attending his shiurim on Kuntres HaChinuch and Shaar Ha’Yichud V’HaEmuna. I discovered a very special person and learned a lot from him. Such humility is rare. I remember my husband falling asleep at his shiur because he got up for work at four in the morning every day at that time. Yehoshua, in his great humility, apologized for imposing on him to come to the shiur when he was so tired. I was very impressed.

“R’ Yehoshua connected his treatment method to the teachings of Chassidus and showed everyone that the source for it is Chassidus. The method maintains that traumas are ‘stored’ in our bodies, and through the body and its movements, you can heal them. Yehoshua would explain that the body’s root source is higher than that of the neshama and that is why the treatment comes through the body. He would call suddenly at night, all enthused, to say that he found yet another connection and explanation in Chassidus that was relevant to his treatment approach.

“I once complained to him about something and he reproved me and said, ‘Stop being G-d.’ That touched on the root of the problem and my approach changed. I remember that once my daughter wanted to follow Sephardic customs instead of being a Lubavitcher. I spoke to Yehoshua about this and he said, if the Rebbe wanted everyone to be Chabad, he would have told Baba Sali to be Chabad too.

“Thanks to his truly touching words, I was able to accept my daughter for who she was, and I suppose I gave her the space that she needed, and in the end she chose Chabad. He got people to find the good within themselves. He had the courage to tell you the truth but always in a caring way.

“His motto was that the verse that the Torah starts with, ‘In the beginning, G-d created,’ ‘B’Reishis’ is from the root brius (health), i.e., that first be healthy, then we can talk. He once told me that you cannot demand that someone be a Chassid before he is healthy, just like you wouldn’t demand of someone without feet, G-d forbid, to run to do mitzvos. My treatment method gets people out of the korban (victim) mindset and he told me that before being a korban, there needs to be healing, to be without blemish, and only then we can talk about a korban (sacrifice) of the animal soul. He taught us till the last moment, until the pain was too great for him to teach.”

TILL THE LAST MOMENT

He told me (author of this article) when the cancer was discovered and we discussed it, “As long as a person is alive, he can do teshuva.” Teshuva preoccupied a p’nimi like R’ Yehoshua.

R’ Adam Dales goes on to tell about R’ Yehoshua’s handling of his illness:

“He battled the illness for a number of years with various healing methods. He suffered a lot and tried different diets, the main thing being to avoid toxins. He did not want to use painkillers that ruined the body’s innate cleanliness. He lay there, sometimes in great pain. He was determined to continue in this way, with mesirus nefesh. Whenever his strength returned, he would go back to learning and davening at length and giving shiurim, as much as he could. He stuck to his principles. He also maintained that a person needs to discover what his mission is in this world and stick to it, and through this, he will get whatever he needs. This is why he expressed his sorrow over things that he could not do in the fulfillment of his shlichus, or about time that was wasted on side things.”

Rabbi Tuvia Bolton relates:

“His persistence in continuing to give was unusual. He was an admired teacher in Bais Rivka, even when he was sick and suffered. He would go in a taxi every day and this gave him strength. I never heard him complain about the great suffering he endured. He recovered from operations in miraculous fashion. The doctors were amazed that he was alive. I think it came from his being a p’nimi and his taking the study of Chassidus seriously, and his avodas ha’middos.

“He had the ability to be happy, to laugh with all his heart, not to despair in difficult situations, and to continue to give from what he had until the final moment.”

His wife tells the following chilling story:

“About a month and a week before he passed away, he called his family in America, his mother and two sisters, and asked them to visit him in Eretz Yisroel. They arrived on 10 Elul and planned on a family get-together on 11 Elul, together with a brother who was in Eretz Yisroel.

“In the days before they met, it was hard for him to remain alert. The disease and treatments had weakened him so much. He lay in bed with his eyes closed. On the day of their get-together, a miracle occurred and he suddenly came to life. Hashem gave him strength and he sat with the family and spoke with them with a clear mind for about two hours. This get-together was very important to him for closure and to unite them. He asked them for forgiveness and told them how much he loved them and how dear they were to him and how much they added to his life.”

At this point, Mrs. Dashiff suggests we watch a video of that get-together. It is hard to describe the feeling and the impact, to see a person that you knew, hours before he died. In the video, you see him sitting on his bed with his family in a half-circle around him. He speaks slowly and weighs his words and with every word you see tremendous affection, sensitivity and wisdom. They share their feelings and speak about their childhood, their education, the bond he found to the Creator and his becoming a baal teshuva, and it is all with tremendous refinement and feeling.

R’ Yehoshua speaks about freedom, about being a free man, and he explains that a free man is someone who gives off light, while a slave does not give off light. He explained that one can be enslaved in many ways – to the evil inclination, to a certain person, to a certain way of thinking, and how basically, anything that is not pure G-dliness is under the category of enslavement. And this is associated with the unrefined animal soul. This type of enslavement conceals the G-dly soul. And since the neshama by its nature illuminates, when a person is free of all concealment covering over the neshama, he is an illuminated person.

His mother asked him, “After G-d gave you so much suffering from this disease, how do you feel about Him and your faith in Him?”

R’ Yehoshua looked at her and said, “Look at me, although I do mitzvos with difficulty now, I have never felt so close and connected to G-d!”

•   •   •

R’ Yehoshua passed away on 13 Elul, on the birthday of his son, Yosef Chaim, who died a few years earlier.

R’ Adam Dales says, “After his passing, a discussion arose about where he should be buried, whether in Rechovot or on the Mt. of Olives. Rabbi Gluckowsky came to the house with a representative of the chevra kadisha. They considered postponing the funeral to give a son in Argentina a chance to arrive. The chevra kadisha member was afraid this would cause a desecration of Shabbos by Jews who were not religious and would attend the funeral.”

His wife adds, “The day our son Yosef Chaim was buried, my husband was tremendously anguished. When Rabbi Gluckowsky and the member of the chevra kadisha discussed where he should be buried, the chevra kadisha person said there was a new section for children that had been donated, on the Mt. of Olives, by an anonymous rich person. This was a great consolation for my husband and he agreed. When I was reminded of this, it was clear to me that my husband should also be buried there.”

THE CHILDREN RELATE

In preparing this article, I spoke with R’ Yehoshua’s children in their home in Rechovot and they shared what they learned from their father:

“What I got from my father was the knowledge that if you have something that you believe in, and you are completely sure, then go with it till the end! That is what he taught us to do. However, if you subsequently discover that it’s a mistake, get out and ask forgiveness from whoever you need to, if necessary. And when you ask forgiveness, look into the person’s eyes and tell him what you are asking forgiveness for.

“My father made changes at every age. All his life he had a certain perspective on the world. When he was sick, he had more time to think and he arrived at some new conclusions. When he decided that a certain aspect of his outlook was not okay, he began to work to change his approach. It was a big thing that at his age he examined life anew and made changes accordingly. He bequeathed that flexibility of thought to us, to always examine yourself and be ready to change if necessary.”

“My father taught me organization. Till the end, he ran everything with lists in a very organized way including tracking and treating his sickness. He was an extremely precise and organized person. He bequeathed this to us as a key to success.”

“Our father’s final request of us was not to speak lashon hara. This is what he asked of us. It was on the final Shabbos and we were left with that. He did not tolerate distortions and lies of any sort. He wanted us to be honest with ourselves and those around us.”