FROM HATE TO LOVE FOR CHABAD

By R’ Asher Chaviv

I was born and raised in the northern town of Beit Shaan, to parents from Edot HaMizrach (of Sephardic origin). Nevertheless, we were given a Litvishe education. My parents had become ultra-Orthodox in their youth and were staunch supporters of Degel Ha’Torah (an Ashkenazi, ultra-Orthodox, anti-Chassidic, Israeli political party). They did a tremendous amount for chinuch in Beit Shaan. My father eventually became the deputy chairman of the Degel Ha’Torah party in Beit Shaan. My father developed good connections with prominent rabbanim and askanim in the Litvishe world and we were raised in the Litvish-yeshivish tradition.

When I finished elementary school in Beit Shaan, I went to a small Litvishe high school, Ohel Moshe, in B’nei Brak. It would be correct to say that I was thoroughly Litvish in my outlook. When I finished high school, I went to Yeshivas Zecher Yitzchok in Kiryat Sefer.

The only time I had heard about Chabad was in 5755 when I was a young boy. The shliach in Beit Shaan, Rabbi Yaakov Shmuelevitz, got some of us kids excited about attending a Gimmel Tammuz rally at the Yad Eliyahu stadium. When I asked my mother permission to attend she adamantly refused.

I absorbed great enmity towards Chabad and the teachings of the Baal Shem Tov at the yeshiva in Kiryat Sefer. It is there that I heard hate-filled statements which today I know stemmed from complete ignorance and envy.

After three years of learning in beis midrash, a friend suggested a cousin of his, a girl from a Lubavitcher family, as a shidduch for me. He said he knew us both and we would no doubt make a good match. When I told my parents about the idea my mother asked me to ask the rabbanim in my yeshiva for their assistance in making the necessary inquiries.

One of the rabbis in the yeshiva made the inquiries for me. A Lubavitcher Chassid might not relate to this, but in the Litvishe yeshiva world in Eretz Yisroel the rabbis are very involved in their students’ shidduchim. After several days of inquiries, he told me that as far as middos, she sounded suitable, but there was one problem: she came from a Lubavitcher family. “Does that bother you?” he asked me. I immediately said it didn’t, on condition that I set the tone in the house so that, G-d forbid, no “heresy” entered the house.

After we met a few times and decided to marry, the news reached one of the rabbis in the yeshiva who was a loyal follower of the famous Chabad-hating rosh yeshiva in B’nei Brak at that time. He began warning me about the dangers of Chassidim, especially Lubavitchers.

“How will your children turn out?” he argued. “What minhagim will you observe in your house? Who will be the spiritual authority?” However, the shidduch was already a done deal, though not without some reservations on my part. We married and for the first year we lived in Tzfas. In yeshiva they spoke about the “dangerous step” I had taken. It went so far that when I brought the Chitas that my kalla had given me as a gift to yeshiva, one of the bachurim angrily threw it on the floor, claiming it contained heresy and apostasy.

You can imagine how I felt at that time, as I was setting up a home with a girl who came from a Lubavitcher family. She herself wasn’t a Lubavitcher but her family was a fine Chassidishe family.

GROWING HATRED

At this time in my life I was learning Gemara and Halacha for hours on end with Rishonim and Acharonim. This provided me with all the fulfillment I needed. I was sheltered and my world was very limited. “Secular” Jews were not Jews, Chassidim were heretics, and only the holy Torah could save me from the fires of Gehinom. My goal was to be the Gadol HaDor. Nothing else mattered. Everything else was falsehood and nonsense.

After about a year in Tzfas the yeshiva in Kiryat Sefer started a high school program and the hanhala asked me to teach there. I was thrilled. As a Litvishe young man devoted full time to learning Torah, this was my dream life. The yeshiva closed a year later due to lack of funds and I went to learn in the yeshiva’s kollel. My chavrusa was the same Litvishe rabbi who denounced the Rebbe and Chassidus. He gently began inquiring how my home life was, wanting to set me straight. He asked me whether I had any conflicts with my father-in-law. I told him no. My father-in-law never argued with me and never tried to make me into a Chabadnik. He accepted me as I was, and in retrospect, perhaps this was what brought about the change.

“Are you ever guests of your in-laws for Shabbos?” he asked. I said yes. “Do you say Kiddush on the wine?” he asked. I didn’t grasp what he was getting at and replied in the affirmative. When he heard that, he shuddered. “You may very well be transgressing the prohibition of Yayin nesech,” he said in a tone of voice that shocked me to the core.

I thought: all the Torah that I learn is worthless if I transgressed this aveira. The next day my chavrusa told me that he was sorry to tell me that he had asked one of the Litvishe roshei yeshivos who also thought I had transgressed the terrible sin of Yayin nesech.

From then on, when I went to my in-laws I made Kiddush on grape juice. My father-in-law could have been offended and angry, but instead he just smiled and acceded to my request. “The main thing is that you feel comfortable,” he said, and he meant it. Whenever we were guests there in Rechovos, I did not go near the Chabad shul. I davened in a nearby Litvishe shul.

We lived in Kiryat Sefer for six years. At one point my wife decided to decorate the walls of our apartment with pictures of tzaddikim. The children were getting older and it was important for them to see righteous people. Of course I agreed, and among the pictures she included were some pictures of the Rebbe that we had received as wedding gifts. That was too much for me. Any other rabbi could adorn the walls of my home, but not the Rebbe. I did something for which I can never stop doing t’shuva – I took down those pictures and ripped them up. “This is not for our home,” I informed my shocked wife.

Naturally, she was upset, but I was consumed with hatred for anything associated with Chabad and I did not stop to think about whether my actions were sensible or not.

CHABAD HAS NO HORNS

After four years in kollel my income wasn’t enough to support my family and so, with my rabbis’ blessings, I began working in a management position in a chain of food stores. I was soon appointed assistant manager of the local branch. When they announced a large construction project offering new apartments at fantastic prices, I registered for it. I first had to pass a review by the residents committee and send them various documents that proved that I, my father, and grandfather, were religious. I also had to include information about my wife and to what group we belonged.

My friends warned me not to write that my wife was from a Lubavitcher home. They told me to lie but I refused. I wrote that although my wife was born to a Lubavitcher family, our home was Litvish and my father even served as deputy chairman of the Degel Ha’Torah party. I guess I was naïve because we soon received a rejection letter. The fact that my wife was from a Lubavitcher family was serious enough and outweighed all other considerations. My father tried to use his connections with his friends in the party but they said nobody had control over the people in the committee and their decisions were final. I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

Today, I know this was all providential so that I could discover the path of Chassidus. We moved to Rechovos, to live near my in-laws, and every morning I traveled to Kiryat Sefer. Out of respect for my father-in-law, I decided to try the Chabad shul one Shabbos, to see what a Chassidishe davening looked like.

The davening began at ten in the morning. I arrived much earlier, of course, in order to learn Gemara and the commentaries, but I couldn’t find any Rishonim in the shul. I found a Rashi sicha of the Rebbe’s on the table and having no other choice, I opened it and learned it. I was flabbergasted. “This is ingenious,” I thought, but I quickly dampened my enthusiasm by reminding myself that this wasn’t Toras Emes (G-d forbid).

The truth was though, that I was fascinated by it. It took time for me to draw closer, but I knew already then that there was something far deeper here than what I had thought and what they had force-fed me. I began learning Likkutei Torah. I didn’t understand it all, but I was inspired. Chassidus is sweet and when you begin learning it, it’s hard to stop. After that Shabbos, I began going to the Chabad shul more often, and before davening I learned sifrei Chassidus and sichos of the Rebbe. In order to reassure myself that I wasn’t becoming a Chassid, I debated with Chassidim and bachurim in the community. However, the reality was stronger than anything. I realized that the Rebbe and the teachings of Chassidus were not what I had been brainwashed to think.

I joined the dancing at the Simchas Beis HaShoeiva in the Chabad shul and felt that this was genuine simcha, not contrived merely to fulfill an obligation. I felt that I was among people who truly loved the Torah and were really happy. I began wondering from where they derived this. There was dancing in Kiryat Sefer and B’nei Brak too, but not with this chayus and simcha. This was a matter-of-fact joy, without any poses, simply real.

I met G-d fearing people who were particular about halacha, but did this with simcha and chayus. They were people who loved Hashem and weren’t merely afraid all the time; they didn’t feel choked by serving Hashem. I did not share my thoughts with anyone, not even my wife, but I was in a turmoil. The hatred I had been taught melted in the sea of love and simcha that I experienced that Sukkos and Simchas Torah. Over here, nobody was out to debate me; on the contrary, they embraced, understood, loved.

After Yom Tov, we moved back to Tzfas, and there too, I continued learning Chassidus. I drank in many maamarim and sichos. Chassidus changed my mindset. I remember learning that the Alter Rebbe says that when a Jew does a mitzva, he connects with Hashem. “What is meant by connecting?” I wondered. I had grown up learning that when a Jew does a mitzva, he earns reward in the World to Come and is saved from Gehinom. Apparently, the relationship between the Creator and we created beings was much deeper than what I had been led to believe.

I soon discovered that Chabad has no horns. Actually, Chassidus makes doing mitzvos sweet. I began rejoicing and felt as elated as a fresh baal t’shuva. I remember the moment when I told my wife that I had made a mistake regarding Chassidus and about the truth that I found in it. That same day we went to a Chabad s’farim store in order to buy some sifrei Chassidus so there would be something to learn at home.

WRITING TO THE REBBE FOR THE FIRST TIME

There were volumes of Igros Kodesh at the entrance to the store. I remembered an argument I’d had with my mother-in-law who had suggested that I write to the Rebbe. I said that this was a serious prohibition of lo sinachashu (not to do divination). Yet now, I asked the sales clerk for permission to write to the Rebbe and ask for a bracha. I opened to a letter in vol. 26 p. 155 that left me open-mouthed:

… Following the connection through letters I was pleased to meet your husband when he visited here for a relatively long period of time. Based on the conversations we had a few times, in which he told me highlights of his life, I was happy to see that he found tranquility of the soul through his coming close, even more, to the world view derived from our Torah of life, Torah of truth. A tranquility that borders on, and brings to, inner blissfulness, blissfulness of the soul.

Of course, the aforementioned coming close, whose results are tranquility, harmony and bliss, are possible with the help of the “eizer” as the verse says, i.e. the wife, a view which was verified for me through what your husband related about the eizer that he found in you and the assistance in general and particular.

It is unnecessary to go on at length about the necessity for inner tranquility and harmony so that a person’s life is worthy of that name, especially nowadays with the many upheavals in public life in general and also within the life of the individual.

I firmly hope that just as in the past, so too in the future, you will stand at your husband’s right side both in the aforementioned coming close and the progress in this, as like every living thing it will surely grow and progress. What I mean is that the two of you together will go and ascend in a life according to our Torah, the Torah of life.

Despite this, I decided that there is room for writing about this matter explicitly, a writing whose intent is to convey hope along with encouragement and fortification, since at times a person encounters difficulties etc. on his path in the aforementioned progress. Especially (as per the teachings of our sages of blessed memory) when he encounters people who have not yet attained the aforementioned state, and attempt to bolster themselves in their own eyes and in the eyes of others by mocking and putting down those that have progressed further than them, and have reached a higher rung in the world view – of our Torah and our faith. Much have our sages of blessed memory warned not to be ashamed before those who mock, from their knowledge of human nature that this is no simple challenge.

I felt as though the Rebbe was standing by my side and supporting me in my new path that was creating more harmony within me. It was incredible. If I hadn’t experienced it myself, I doubt whether I would have believed that something like this could happen.

People close to me who heard about my enthusiasm about Chabad tried to dissuade me from growing a beard. “Do it all, but not a beard,” they said. “There are big rabbis who don’t have a beard. Learn Chassidus but leave your appearance alone.” In light of this, the Rebbe’s words in the Igros left me open-mouthed:

… My intention is also for a specific detail in this matter, and this is regarding growing a beard as it appears that your husband, during his time here, had started growing a beard. In the words of our sages, it is “G-d’s garment” and endows a Jewish man with the image of G-d as is related in several Midrashim, something which wasn’t easy for your husband (mainly for the aforementioned reason, because of those who mock) and nevertheless, and with no outside influence, he began this. It seems that this also added in the reinforcement of inner tranquility and the awareness that he is standing on a firm foundation of Torah and mitzvos. This is the main purpose of this letter of mine, to ask and express my hope that in this too, you will be of help to him and encourage him to continue, and with joy and peace.

Obviously, I know that there are those who fulfill Torah and mitzvos who do not grow a beard, and there are differences of opinion in this and views in the poskim. But in this situation, it is not just a matter of the p’sak din, but mainly the resulting effects in the life of the individual under discussion – that not only provide satisfaction but far more, adding the matter of growing a beard to the other positive phenomena in his life during the past few years, including the relationship with you etc. – to increase light and life in his life, which will certainly lead to an increase in your life as well.

It is obvious that this attainment and ascension in life is beyond equivalence – in counterpoint to the mockery of the few from the surroundings, whose substance is as stated the self-justification of the mocker in a matter that his conscience disturbs him about from time to time, and the easy path is to denigrate those that in his assessment are loftier than he. Certainly, there is no need to go on at length about the foregoing.

Just to add one point, one that in the aforementioned matter is also primary, citing the words of the Tzemach Tzedek that growing a beard is a special segula for him to draw down the blessings of Hashem in a bountiful fashion, both in quantity and quality. It is understood from this that whoever is in need for an increase in blessings from Hashem, whether in matters of health or money matters, and even more so in spiritual matters, it is incumbent upon him to grab onto this progress all the more. Especially as in such matters we were promised that whoever comes to purify, he is assisted from Above with great assistance.

And yehi ratzon that they settle down also in the matters of their possessions – the house etc. – in a satisfactory manner, and they should be blessed by Hashem Yisborach in all that they need in the spirit and in the physical, and you should report good news in all the matters discussed.

I went about for days in a daze over this answer. Of course, I bought this volume on the spot. With time came the gartel and the sirtuk that my father-in-law bought for me as a gift, and I became a Lubavitcher Chassid through and through.

At a certain point, I began working at the Chabad yeshiva in Tzfas.

I BEGAN LOVING HASHEM

Not all of my relatives accept the changes I made, but the fact is that Chassidus has made me a happier Jew. The mitzvos are the same mitzvos but they are done with more enthusiasm and simcha. As a yeshivish person, I knew that doing a mitzva meant getting a reward and doing a sin meant being punished. When I began learning Tanya, I stopped living in fear of Gehinom. I simply began loving Hashem more.

The truth must be proclaimed without embarrassment: learning Tanya makes you a better Jew and more connected to Hashem. When I learned the first chapter and realized what a tzaddik really is, I was ashamed. There had been times in my past when I thought I was a tzaddik. It was when I learned the daily quota I had set for myself. That’s when I walked around like a peacock showing off its feathers. Now I learned, “halevai a beinoni.” And besides, this ambition to be a gadol ba’Torah is frustrating. You are constantly competing and under pressure. You don’t think about Hashem and you don’t talk about Him. You are constantly running without stopping to ask where and why am I running. The one who stops to ask questions, falls.

One time, after feeling exhausted after hours of learning, I wanted to take a break. The mashgiach called my father and reported to him that I wasn’t completely immersed in learning as was expected of one whose goal was to become a gadol ba’Torah. I wanted to reject it all; the burden was too heavy. There was the constant battle with the Evil Inclination and after many victories you finally break. The Alter Rebbe teaches you not to fight the evil but to increase the light, increase in d’veikus in Hashem by understanding what your mission is in this world. As a natural result, you will use every moment for learning.

I recently met a Litvishe bachur who was and still is close to me. He asked to speak privately with me and told me he had doubts when it came to emuna. I was shocked. I knew he was a big masmid who was destined for greatness. He told me that he was immersed in Gemara but someone had asked him a question which had shaken his emuna. “Learn Tanya,” I advised him. “It will save your emuna.” I thank Hashem that I did not reach a state like that before being exposed to the teachings of the Alter Rebbe.

WHEN THE TRUE LEADER SPEAKS THE TRUTH

Relating to the idea of “chai v’kayam” and the Besuras Ha’Geula happened when I began learning the sichos of 5751-5752. Chassidus is the best way to “live” with the subject; it’s the truth. The Rebbe is the leader of truth. So these sichos and his instructions are the road map that we need to follow.