FEAR OF SUCCESS: THE GREATEST OBSTACLE TO OVERCOMING PSYCHOLOGICAL INERTIA

Kabbala teaches that every object and being exists by virtue of it being an extension of the Creator’s will. Should that connection be severed even for an instant, the object would revert back to primordial nothingness. Simple enough.

But what about failure? The Creator sets up a system through which I am supposed to reach specific objectives, both short term and long term. He even gives me cues as to how I should conduct myself along the way. But, ultimately, I fail. I fail to choose the right objectives, and even if by some fluke I do get it right, I inevitably fail to reach the destination, and I certainly fail to get there while maintaining an upright trajectory. As the saying goes, “People plan, and G-d laughs.”

If G-d’s will determines reality, then how can I possibly fail? Doesn’t G-d want me to succeed? If everything exists only by virtue of it being the Creator’s will, then does that mean He wants me to fail?

In a sense, yes – because G-d leaves it up to me. He does not really want me to fail. He wants me to explore this virtual reality game called life on earth and figure it out for myself; He doesn’t want to give me the answers and make me into a prosthetic extension of Him. He wants me to be me. And I want to fail.

Contrary to popular belief, the greatest obstacle to overcoming emotional and psychological inertia is not fear of failure. Failure merely plays into my greatest weakness and tempts the escapist within me, playing on my cynical and apathetic view of myself and the world around me. I am not really afraid of failure – I crave it. Success is what scares me. Success belies a profound truth that I am really afraid of and would rather deny: That I have the power to make my life and this world what they are really meant to be; that I as an individual am uniquely suited because of my unique gifts to confront the unique challenges placed in front of me – otherwise, why would I be here? This thought scares me, because if I succeed in taking one step forward in this direction today, then does that not burden me with the responsibility to make an even greater stride forward tomorrow?

So was the world set up to fail? Am I set up every day to fail? Yes, but only if that’s what I want – the simple, easy, quantifiable and manageable finitude of failure. Or I could take the plunge and choose to succeed, and accept that with success will come the pressure to continue succeeding – an infinite journey with infinite possibilities to discover the Infinite inside me and in the world around me.

In order to leap, I have to crouch down and use the momentum to gather my strength. Failure is the crouch. Success is the leap. Whether I like it or not, I experience moments of crouching and moments of leaping, moments of failure and moments of success. The only question is whether I view my life in terms of failure, or in terms of success; are my leaps unnerving aberrations in a journey defined by crouches, or are my crouches opportunities to harness energy to be unleashed at the next occasion to leap?

Reprinted with permission from Exodus Magazine