The attitude of liberalism and the rights of the student, so prevalent in this generation, has tragically seeped into our schools too. * The educational spirit of love between Chassidim and deep closeness has almost disappeared and has been replaced with guidance sessions between parents and teachers, with teachers trying to defend themselves regarding the ever-tougher rules and more rigid regulations, and parents trying to cover over their failures.
By Rabbi Nechemia Schmerling
Shliach, Kfar Yona
Sometimes, I talk with friends who are moser nefesh in one of the most difficult jobs of our time – the field of chinuch. I also had the privilege, and still do, of dividing my time between my shlichus and teaching in schools that are not part of our system as well as “our” schools, and out of all this, a grim picture emerges.
By way of introduction: Every morning, parents send their precious children to be taught, to learn in school. Sending the children implies a trust in the educational system, starting with the principal and concluding with every teacher in the school.
The problem is that at the same time, quite a few parents are expressing their distrust of those who educate their children and not always is this done in the right way. Quite a few teachers in our schools feel persecuted by the parents of students as well as by the Chassidic communities we live in.
When being entrusted with such a treasure, a teacher expects trust and support on the part of the parents, but instead of that, he is harassed, sometimes shamed, and this directly causes a wearing down of powers and energies that are meant to be directed toward his holy work. Instead of a teacher putting his time and energy into preparing a good lesson, he needs to deal with pointless debates about whether he acted correctly toward a student or not, whether he made a threat or it just sounded that way, whether he broke a rule or not. There are also extreme cases in which the teacher is busy fending off threats and attacks from parents who are afraid, as it were, for their child’s welfare.
The work of a teacher nowadays is way harder than it used to be. Today, in the era of the cellphone, smartphone and computer, it is much harder to convey to children the values of learning. All the more so, when we are talking about learning Gemara, which requires a different language, a different way of thinking, and maintaining a high level of concentration for an extended time. Many children these days find it hard to handle the objective demands of a Gemara class, for we live in a time where everyone seeks that which is the easiest and fastest (and usually, the most superficial).
The problem is that many parents find it hard to accept responsibility, to bear down and move forward, step by step. It is easier for them to blame the whole world for their child’s failings. “The teacher isn’t teaching well,” “the teacher is not successful, “the teacher isn’t putting in enough time,” and so on.
The teacher-student relationship needs to be based on trust and love. Since forever, Chassidus was characterized, and Chassidim were singled out in praise, for the warmth and closeness between them. Every writer, Jewish and not Jewish, knew to describe the bonds of friendship between Chassidim, the dancing together, hand on shoulder, and as the Rebbe Rayatz says (Likkutei Dibburim vol. 1), “The first level in the vessels for love is extending a hand in giving and receiving shalom … the ‘shalom aleichem’ according to the ways of Torah, the ‘shalom aleichem’ of times gone by, is a vessel for the light of love.”
The time has come for us to ask ourselves: what do we want – the light of Chassidic love to fill the school or a factory for outstanding achievement? What do we want – a beloved child, or a teacher who, feeling alienated by the atmosphere broadcast by the parents of his students, surrounds himself with a protective and defensive wall and spends his time on various reports and pointless conversations with parents who seek to inculpate him? Do we prefer students who place the responsibility for their failures on their teacher? Do we want our child to be a student who views his teacher as a beloved, admired person, whom he can enjoy and learn from, or as someone who (with the support of the parents) needs to be examined and every move closely monitored?
I know there are people in the educational system who behave improperly. Now and then, we encounter troubled souls who manage to get into the school system, despite all the filtering and checkpoints, and who do terrible things. So, of course, we need to be cautious. However, these stunted weeds are a needle in a haystack. Every teacher has not only a presumption of innocence, but a presumption of being deserving of our respect.
Nowadays, not only have the schools expanded, but so have the rules; rules and regulations we didn’t have previously, which were written based on the professional experience that has built up in recent years. But the rule cannot differentiate between one person and another, between one community and another; it perforce needs be uniform and unambiguous. But from there to a “witch hunt” is a short distance.
In the Middle Ages, any man or woman who stood out from others was denounced by the establishment as a witch or enemy and they were executed. That’s where the term “witch hunt” came from. This was particular to the non-Jews, while in the Jewish world, there was extraordinary creativity and brotherly love which obviated the need for these extreme “solutions.”
There are instances in which parents need to be concerned following an aberrant report from their son or his friends, but this does not apply in those cases where the parents have a hard time handling their child’s difficulties and they choose to “target the teacher” instead, taking out of all proportion anything they may have said, or normal friendly gestures they may have displayed, which can at times be painted in extreme colors in the excellent imagination that many children are endowed with in their young adulthood.
A concerned parent should speak directly to the teacher or arrange a dignified conversation with the responsible party. A parent who looks for “shortcuts,” does not respect the teacher and sometimes encourages the child’s extremism. Instead of dealing with what seems incorrect to him, he chooses to discuss it in shul or on social media, destroying the reputation of the teacher who is often an acquaintance and davens in the same shul.
OPEN DEMONSTRATIONS OF WARMTH AND LOVE
In Igeres Ha’kodesh (22), the Alter Rebbe writes, “… and like a compassionate, wise, righteous father who strikes his son. Surely a wise son should not turn his back to escape and find himself help, or even an intercessor to his father, who is compassionate, righteous (a tzaddik) and pious (a chassid).”
The Rebbe Rayatz said about this (Seifer HaSichos 5704, p. 15): “When my father taught me this chapter in Tanya, he pointed out that at first the order is ‘wise and righteous’ [without mentioning ‘chassid’], and then he mentions ‘tzaddik, chassid etc.’ My father explained that a tzaddik is liable to give a smack, but a Chassid is not liable to give a smack!”
Every Chassidishe mother should know, and every father should know: a Chassid does not hit. One who hits, G-d forbid, is not worthy of being called a Chassid. This fundamental rule must be engraved in the soul of every Chassid and every teacher before he enters the class.
A teacher must exhibit warmth, love and Chassidic brotherliness. No law will sentence a teacher to purgatory if he shakes the hand of a student or puts his hand on his shoulder and speaks frankly and in a friendly way (the law should react strongly against a child or parent who treats normal humanity and warmth inappropriately and tries to frame them as deviant).
On a personal note, I have been asked on many occasions by my older daughter to farbreng with her and her friends in our home. My son too, and his friends, spend time in our home, mainly when they come to help for mivtzaim. Both of them have told me of the longing of their peers to spend time in our home and their envy of the open, companionable and warm, atmosphere that is present in our home. Some of their friends openly complain about the alienation and estrangement that exist in their Chassidic homes, which have lost these fantastic treasures.
These reactions on their part greatly strengthen in me the clinging to the ways of Chassidim of yesteryear. Indeed, in our home, there are clear boundaries and consistent demands alongside tremendous goodwill, building up of freedom of choice and guiding it with pleasantness and warmth. I won’t be exaggerating when I say that a big part of the atmosphere in the home is like one big farbrengen. The feedback from the boys and girls who come to our home demonstrates the extent to which other Chassidishe homes are diminishing, without realizing it, the Chassidic fiery passion from the members of their household, a fiery passion that the children so greatly yearn for.
I often go to schools, whether for outreach or a lecture, or to teach regular classes as part of the government-religious school system. Wherever it is, this Chassidic approach elicits respect, admiration and high praise. Even when parents occasionally complain that their children have a hard time handling the demands of the work, these are handled with respect and to the point.
In many schools, the educator responsible for a given class will actively shut down any gossip that contains the slightest negativity from all social media. If a parent goes beyond the pale with slander and threats, he will find himself actively opposed by letters of recommendation and support for the teacher from the parents’ committee, the administration, and if necessary, with condemnations against the approach of agitation and defamation.
That is the way it is in other schools, but in our schools, where truth is supposed to be a supreme value, I keep hearing from all sides the frustration of melamdim and teachers over unbridled attacks via social media, about made up stories or bits and pieces of a larger puzzle that race from mouth to ear in shul or the weekly shiur. And what about the laws of lashon hara? What about rechilus? Defaming someone? And numerous other halachos and damages which are completely ignored, supposedly, to protect the child.
The vast majority of these incidents are the product of the parent’s confusion or a child’s manipulation as he tries to cover over his problems by diverting the fire from himself to his teacher. It’s a fact that a few years later, we’ll meet the student in yeshiva, on K’vutza, at a wedding or work and he will hug his teacher and with a big smile will thank him. When the teacher shows up at events, he will be hugged by those who were the main instigators in the attacks on him, which were based on nothing of substance.
NOT LOOKING FOR SHORTCUTS
At a meeting of principals and teachers that took place in 5715, the Rebbe said (Toras Menachem vol. 14), “That they maintain that Lubavitch is very strict … if this was a real consideration, the Rebbe, my father-in-law, would not have brought Lubavitch to America altogether, since Lubavitch never looked for leniencies; on the contrary, they always added chumros and hiddurim. When the Rebbe came to America, to Poland, etc., there were those who were apprehensive and claimed that if they will follow this path, there will not be a single person… and therefore it is necessary to go in the way of compromise. In the end, it turned out that the Rebbe’s way, not to establish compromises and leniencies, was the successful way, not just qualitatively but in quantity too, as there were many students … Imagine that the Rebbe is calling for you and says: I am giving you the city and the children in it for you to make into Chassidim … then all the concealments and obscurities would disappear, and it would be successful.”
My fellow Chassidim, dear parents! Let us remember who we are and what our goal is. A sharp word or maintaining boundaries is not violence. A Chassidic handshake or friendly pat on the shoulder is not inappropriate closeness. Love and kiruv must be given to every student and every child.