During the Three Weeks, when we try to increase our Ahavas Yisroel, Beis Moshiach arranged a moving meeting between Kobi Chai, a kidney recipient from northern Tel Aviv, and Menachem Bakosh, kidney donor and Chabad Chassid. * The two of them told about the process, the surgeries, and their feelings about it all .
By Zalman Tzorfati
Photos by Eren Dror Levanon
We were sitting in the living room of the Chai Family in a pretty private house surrounded by a garden in the Ramat HaChayil neighborhood in northeastern Tel Aviv.
Menachem, who was coming from the hills of Shomron, sent a message that he would be a bit late.
Mrs. Chai was a good hostess who said, “Don’t worry, it’s all Badatz,” to reassure me and Eren the photographer. She showed us the empty boxes as proof, “I made a special trip to B’nei Brak.”
The Chai family is traditional. Daily papers are scattered on the table. Eren Dror Levanon is an experienced photographer and he removes them so they don’t appear in the pictures. Among the papers I saw a Chabad Shabbos pamphlet. “It comes to the shul every Shabbos,” said Dovid. “I bring it home every week; I don’t miss a single one.”
Aviva invites us to sit down and introduces her son Yaakov. Kobi, as they call him, is the oldest of their seven children. Yaakov smiles politely and is a little embarrassed. You can’t miss his hearing aids, another challenge Hashem sent his way. He is 34 and is starting life now after the previous 34 years mostly revolved around the medical problem he suffered from – inadequate kidney function.
About half a year ago, Kobi was given the best possible news he could hope for in the natural course of things – a live kidney donation was available to him. Now, after the transplant, he feels great and is starting to live a normal life in which dialysis, tests and treatments no longer play a role.
Kobi was a bit tense. The upcoming meeting with Menachem, whose kidney is now working inside his body, enabling him to live a normal life, stirs powerful emotions within. This was their first face to face encounter since they parted ways at the hospital after the successful transplant.
“Several times we planned on getting together, but each time it was postponed for a different reason. We are meeting today thanks to Beis Moshiach.”
TREATMENTS SINCE BIRTH
The problems began the day after Kobi was born. He underwent surgery which went wrong and caused serious damage to his kidneys and his hearing. At three, when all children are excited about going to preschool, Kobi began regular treatments with his little body attached to machines. And when all children slid down the slide, he could only stare at the many tubes that slid from his body.
Despite the serious damage to his hearing and kidneys and the constant treatments, Kobi’s parents tried to give him a normal childhood to the best of their ability. He attended a regular school and tried to integrate into the group like the rest of the kids. However, at fourteen, his condition deteriorated and he had a kidney transplant from a deceased donor. The kidney worked for nearly fifteen years, until six years ago. Then he started dialysis.
Kobi waited for a kidney for years. A year ago, there was another deceased donor but the transplant was not successful and the kidney was rejected. Kobi was devastated, and then came salvation in the form of Menachem.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT ON WHATSAPP
Menachem called and asked us to open the gate. Yaakov jumped up and went over to the gate. We all followed him, the photographer, the parents, and me. Nobody wanted to miss the moment.
A brief second of tension hung in the air when Menachem appeared in the yard. A movie director would definitely film the scene in slow motion, but Mendy quickly took things into his own hands, literally. He shook hands and then immediately hugged Kobi, who responded with a hug that was replete with feelings of joy and thanks.
Menachem Bakosh is a Lubavitcher who grew up in a house of chesed and shlichus. His parents, Dovid and Nomi, are active as the Rebbe’s shluchim in Beit El and the area for years. Menachem went through the Lubavitch school system and is the secretary of the yishuvim Achiya and Givat Assaf.
Menachem is married and the father of four. Although he grew up in a giving household, nothing prepared him for the challenge of donating an organ of his body.
Menachem, what made you do it?
“I got a WhatsApp message. Someone in one of the groups told about a friend who needs a kidney. I read the message and noticed that the blood type they needed was the same as mine. I called just to hear more details. I figured, let me check it out and see where this leads. I knew it was a long process and it was always possible to stop if I felt any misgivings.”
Menachem began the process. The initial blood tests and ultrasounds gave the green light to continue. But then Menachem was told that the person for whom he was doing this, a father of five children, already got a kidney from someone else.
Menachem could have stopped at that point, but he chose to continue. He sent the details of his tests and his blood type to the “Gift of Life” organization which promotes and arranges organ transplants. “I continued the vetting process even though I wasn’t fully okay with it yet. I did it knowing I could stop at any time.”
CONTEMPLATION, RESEARCH, AND HALACHIC CONSULTATION
For Menachem and his family, the ensuing months were ones of contemplation, discussion, and consultation.
“I had many discussions with my wife, with my immediate family, with doctors and experts. I researched the subject thoroughly, feeling that this was too great a step to be made with just general knowledge.
“At the same time, I began learning the halachic ramifications. Before anything else, I consulted with my mashpia, R’ Zalman Notik of Yerushalayim. He did not want to answer on the spot and asked for time to think about it. Then he told me to consult with three Chabad rabbanim, R’ Boruch Boaz Yurkowicz, R’ MM Gluckowsky, and R’ Yitzchok Isaac Landau of Tzfas. The rabbanim grilled me about every detail of the operation, the transplant, and life afterward. I remember having long discussions with R’ Landau. One time, I asked him how Halacha permits donating a kidney when Hashem created us with two kidneys which indicates we need both. R’ Landau answered, ‘Hashem created us with two kidneys so we can donate one.’
“After getting the okay from the rabbanim and the support from family, I had to undergo a long series of tests and committees and even a psychiatric exam for the final okay.”
Nine months of meetings, tests and examinations. Weren’t you afraid?
“The truth is that throughout this time I had one fear, that in the end nothing would come of it all, that they would invalidate me. I knew that at the end of the process, the committee accepts or rejects candidates without explanation.
“Aside from that, I wasn’t afraid, not at all. I was very excited. I kept thinking about how a woman has this feeling when she is going to give birth. It’s a tremendous joy and experience that a man usually cannot feel. I thought, the closest thing to giving birth is to give life through donating a kidney. Also, the whole process took nine months, like a pregnancy.”
TZ’DAKA FROM MY FLESH AND BLOOD
It sounds like something about which you had misgivings turned into something that you really wanted to do. Where did this enthusiasm come from? What was your thought process throughout?
“Actually, from the moment I got permission from the rabbanim, my mashpia and family, and knew that this is the right thing to do, what excited me was the idea of giving tz’daka. I felt like someone who won a large sum of money who gives a sizable portion to the needy. The Alter Rebbe writes in Tanya that tz’daka is the loftiest of mitzvos because when a person works to earn money and then donates it to tz’daka, it is like diminishing from his fat and blood. Here I had the opportunity to donate from my very self, a kidney that Hashem gave me.
“At the beginning of the process I attended a lecture where they explained everything we could expect from donating a kidney from an emotional and procedural perspective. They told us what sick people who need a kidney go through. When I heard this, I could not believe that so many people need and are waiting for a kidney – how is it that the hospitals are not full of people wanting to donate one?”
When did you first connect with Kobi?
“I was called from “Gift of Life” and they said there was a young man who urgently needed a transplant and we had the same blood type and matched in other ways too. They asked me whether I was interested. I said yes. I was happy that they found someone who needed it who was a match. But then I still needed to get the final approval from the committee.”
Which you got…
“Yes. When I got the final, positive answer I was excited and nervous and very happy. I had waited a long time for that moment. I had always imagined life after the donation. I hadn’t quite digested the whole thing.
“In the medical committee meetings they warned me at every stage that the kidney might be rejected and then I might feel that I donated it for nothing. They wanted to hear my reaction. What would I do in that case? I said: it’s all from G-d. I got two kidneys in order to be able to donate one and G-d will do His part.
“The WhatsApp message I received, my choosing to make the call, the chain of events until they told me about Kobi – I felt Hashem was with me at every stage of the process.”
PERSONAL SALVATION
Kobi, one day you got a phone call in which they said, “There’s a kidney for you?”
“Yes. And when it happened, I was very emotional. Actually, until I met him, it didn’t register that there is a donor. My previous transplant, which followed six years on dialysis, failed. Then I was told by “Gift of Life” that there is a donor. We started the process and at the last minute the donor got cold feet and disappeared. I was physically and emotionally wiped out. I couldn’t bear the thought of going back on dialysis. I was devastated and said to my mother that I give up, G-d forbid.
“My mother pleaded with me and asked me to give it one more chance. She spoke to Rabbi Heber again and a few days later they called from the organization and announced that they had a live donor. That’s a dream come true for someone who needs a kidney transplant.”
When did you first meet?
“They kept asking me if I want to meet him and I said no. I thought that if there would be a last minute problem, it would make us both disappointed. I heard many stories about people who were candidates for a transplant where it fell through at the last moment. Either the donors changed their mind or the doctors decided it was dangerous.
“The day before surgery, I met the transplant coordinator and told her, I’m ready. He was sitting and waiting for me in a nearby waiting room. I walked in and we talked a little. It was emotional, hard to talk.
“It was the day before the operation and I had no words. I told him he was doing the greatest thing in the world. I didn’t know what to say to him. I felt that whatever I would say wouldn’t express what I felt toward him and in general about what was about to happen.
“We decided to go outside. We walked around the block. We told one another a little about ourselves and got acquainted.
“The day after the operation he came to my room to visit me.”
“I was lying in bed, still woozy from all the medication and anesthesia,” said Menachem. “The doctor came in and said the operation was a success and the kidney was working well in Kobi. I suddenly felt all my pain vanish. I was happy I had done it and that, thank G-d, it was successful. I got out of bed and went to his room and I hugged him. He was in isolation and contact was forbidden, but I couldn’t restrain myself.”
RECUPERATION
How were the days following the operation?
Menachem: “Boruch Hashem. I took two weeks off from work and rested and then I gradually did more. I would say that within two months I was back to myself completely. Today I run, lift weights, etc.
“Before the surgery they told me that two months afterward I would not be able to lift more than five kilograms so I prepared the children for that. I picked them up a lot and said that I was picking them up then because afterward, until Pesach, I wouldn’t be able to pick them up. I also got an exemption from Pesach work from my wife.”
How did the children react?
“I spoke to all the children and prepared them, each on his level. I explained that I was donating a kidney and showed them what a kidney looks like and what it does. I told them that Hashem gave me two kidneys and there was someone who needed a kidney and I was giving him one of mine, and it’s a mitzva of ‘V’ahavta l’rei’acha kamocha,’ and ‘Do not stand by your fellow’s blood.’ My oldest daughter understood more, the younger one, less. My young son understood that I couldn’t pick him up and he said, ‘So make me a plane now,’ and I did it for him until he got tired of it.
“My parents were very supportive. They are in the process of becoming foster parents. When they finished marrying off their children, they wanted to become foster parents. I knew they would be supportive of me because the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. They were very happy.”
Kobi, you went through something that is not the usual – what did it do for you?
“First, it opened me up very much to the idea of giving. I am more understanding of the value in giving to and helping another as the greatest and most important thing one can do.
“When I was a boy, I attended Chabad camp. I always loved Chabad. It’s also known that Chabad is everywhere. When people are looking for kosher food or a shul, there is one place to go – Chabad. But a donation like this, from someone I don’t know, someone who did not see or hear me, who decided to give me a part of his body … It amazes me every time I think about it.
“I’ll tell you the truth; I don’t know whether I myself would have the courage to do it. This entire story made me much more sensitive to others. Unfortunately, I cannot donate a kidney … But in general, I am much more alert to anything lacking in someone else when I have the ability to provide it.
“Aside from that, it made me more optimistic, more of a believer in humanity, and gave me the desire to move on in life after I was completely despondent.”
INSIGHTS AND
THE DAY AFTER
Parents, what are your insights about the kidney donation?
“For me it changed a lot of things,” says Aviva. “I always knew that there are good people, but up to a point. When I would sometimes hear that someone donated a kidney I would think, who believes what they say on TV; it’s all stories. I didn’t believe there was something like this. If I didn’t see it, I didn’t believe it. I could not believe that someone would donate a kidney.
“Whenever I heard that people volunteered in hospitals, at Magen David Adom, ZAKA, it didn’t do much for me. Now, it does so much! I tell myself that when I have time I want to volunteer, to contribute what I can.”
What about you, Menachem?
“My only insight is that it’s a pity there is still a line of people waiting. There are a thousand sick people waiting on line. As a Lubavitcher Chassid I sometimes ask myself, how is it that we are not in the forefront when it comes to this? Chabad goes all over the world to open Chabad Houses, and here we can literally save Jews’ lives.”
Will you persuade people to donate?
“You might be surprised to hear this but no. Even if someone is wavering, I won’t convince him. Because I don’t think it’s something you can persuade someone to do. It’s a personal decision and you cannot exert pressure on someone to do it. But if someone would consult with me, I would happily tell him about the process and what’s involved.”
As a Lubavitcher, what kind of reactions have you gotten?
“When I was in the hospital, someone saw me and did not understand what I was doing there. I told him I was going to donate a kidney and he began shouting at me, ‘Why are you doing that? Do you know what a kidney is? Do you know how long I waited for a transplant?’ It seems that he himself was a candidate for a transplant from someone who died and he did not believe that I would have a kidney of mine removed to give to someone else.
“He asked me, ‘Where do you live?’
I told him I live in the hills of Shomron and he said, ‘What? You’re settlers; bad people. You don’t go to the army and you learn in yeshiva. Now, on principle, I need to hate you, but I must love you. See what you did? Now you caused me to love you,’ he said.”
How does it feel now that it’s all behind you?
“I am happy I did it. That I helped Yaakov, that I put a smile on his face. The thank-you’s are a bit hard for me. His brother called me from abroad, he lives in Los Angeles, and I said to him, do me a favor and don’t thank me, it’s hard for me.”
How do you feel now Kobi?
“Fantastic. I have a strong desire to live. I am making plans for the future. I want to study, to work, and also to learn more about Judaism about which I’ve discovered amazing things, and get to know Chabad more. Life is starting to look better and this is only the beginning!”