In recent years a world war has been raging between the pure neshamos of our children and the enticements of the Internet, the computer screen, and the Smartphone. Parents are not always aware of the extent of the problem. They prefer hiding their heads in the sand, leaving their children contending with it on their own. * We present voices from the front lines: a Mashpia who calls upon parents to recognize the challenge and deal with it; a girl who was caught in the net and managed to extricate herself after suffering heavy damage; a mother who warns of the destruction of the family unit, and a therapist who explains the source of the problem and how to treat it.
So much has been written about progress and our ability to make use of it for k’dusha in the process of bringing the Geula. As Chassidim, we received the tools to see everything as part of the G-dly plan, and that is terrific, but within this overarching plan we still have plenty of work to do. The Rebbe said that the Avodas HaBirurim already ended, which could be interpreted to mean that all we have left to do is the avoda of nisyonos. But it seems that even within the avoda of nisyonos, we have a lot of work to do.
The avoda is done with klipas noga, but since our world today is rushing forward, we need to be extremely careful not to fall into the three impure klipos without realizing it. The slope that reaches there is becoming more slippery by the day.
The world of communication and the Internet have opened endless possibilities before us. We cannot even remember what life was like without it. There are so many advantages and possibilities that are hard to ignore, but it is important to raise the topic in order to clarify it and mainly to be forewarned and careful.
We can look to scientific research that proves that using the Internet leads to atrophy of certain parts of the brain that control speech, memory, motor control, the senses and feeling. Did you take this into account after a few hours of surfing the net? And these studies are not referring only to those who have reached extreme levels of addiction. This research shows how the brain of someone who uses the Internet reacts like the brains of people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. Every ping heard from the computer or Smartphone causes dopamine to be released into the body, which causes a surge of energy in the body that in turn triggers an internal compulsion. A bit worrisome, is it not?
We can look to endless stories that are pouring in, even into our more protected world. So many stories, many of which are not fit to be publicized, which show how being connected to the computer, iPhone, and through them to the Internet, have brought destruction and severe deterioration of precious ideals within and around us.
So come, let us open a door into the world of habits and comforts in order to bring some more k’dusha inside. Because very often, in order to become more connected Above, we need to disconnect from something here below. It’s a Chassidishe farbrengen about Facebook, Safebook and everything in between. Listen to these voices and hear what they have to say.
The voice of a Mashpia, Mrs. Yaffa Kadosh
TO RESPECT BUT TO REPRIMAND; TO LOVE AND REBUKE
It is important to understand, as a principle, that when there is a tide or a wave you can’t deny it; it exists. The preponderance of progress is a reality which is overwhelming all of us. This is part of the G-dly process of the opening of the wellsprings of wisdom which began 400 years ago, a systematic process whose goal is guiding the entire world toward Geula. The moment Moshiach appears, the entire world will know about it with the click of a button. But within this process there are also revelations of Tohu/chaos. These are also powerful but unchecked revelations that break the vessels of the one who uses them. This is the place where the sitra achra is hungry and takes its share.
However, the sitra achra has no power of its own. It derives its nourishment from the Jew. This is where we are called upon to take responsibility and diminish its nourishment.
We need extraordinary respect when we start criticizing the younger generation. I have no idea what would become of me if I were growing up now. When I was growing up, in order to do an aveira you had to make an effort. For example, in order to see a movie you had to hitch a ride out of Kfar Chabad and from there take a bus to a movie theater, stand on line, buy a ticket, etc.
Today, you can turn to the wall before going to sleep and watch a movie on your phone. Or while sitting with a holy book open in front of you in class, without anyone being the wiser. The tests that the younger generation of today must contend with are enormous.
In order to deal with tests, you first need to be aware that they exist. That means not to be afraid of speaking about it with the students, at home or in class. And when you identify a situation that calls for and requires help, approach the child with respect for the test she is undergoing. I have seen in my experience with girls who came to me for help that, on the one hand, it is important to encourage them, and on the other hand, to make limits. But even the limits need to come from a place of chesed. It is as the Rebbe Rayatz put it, “Open rebuke with chains of love.” That is, to be with her in her place of difficulty, to respect her in down times, and to strengthen her in everything. That is the entire “Torah” of chinuch on one foot. You need opposites: to go down to her and pick her up, to respect and censure, to love and reprove. It is only if you incorporate both directional trends that she will be receptive and will move to a better place.
One of the problems today is that there is strong peer pressure. I know that within many classes, for example, the girls are connected with the WhatsApp social media. If a girl is not on the Internet via her phone, she won’t be updated about things going on in her class. She will feel excluded, and for an adolescent this is not tolerable. In these situations, the solution is not necessarily to buy her a Smartphone, but to make sure the problem is solved and the girl is not disconnected from the rest of the class. The worst thing is to leave her feeling alone like some long suffering holy roller.
The problem with Smartphones today is not just with the youth. Many adults use these devices, and when this is the case, there is nothing in the world which will stop the youth from using it. Young people are not fools and when they see that adults are not withstanding the test, it becomes widespread amongst them too, and even more so.
When a mother excuses her use of the Smartphone with unfiltered Internet by saying she must use it, her child will also find a reason why he or she must use it. You cannot demand of children what we do not demand of ourselves. The thing that most annoys young people is when we tell them they are not old enough and when they will be older they can use it. And the moment kids are exposed to these devices, it is much harder to protect them.
In my experience, I have seen that all those who fall and are addicted to the Internet have something in common. I personally dealt with five cases of addiction of this type and each of the girls was coming from a place of distress and pain that was not dealt with in an appropriately sensitive manner. Girls like these are easy prey for the world of Internet because it is there that they get the attention they seek. It is important to show them that the emotional response they get there isn’t genuine and it is not really what they need. And the pitfalls and disappointments there are very hard. That is the reality of the virtual world, a world which consists of many lies. Online you can write in the most obnoxious way and you won’t see the other person being offended.
The voice of a former surfer, Mushka
DON’T BE ASHAMED TO ASK FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP
I think that one of the issues with the Internet, as well as with watching movies, is that you start to believe that in life everything moves quickly and easily as it does on the computer. Life is actually not like that; it is much more complex. The use of the Internet leads to a situation in which you become distanced from life and don’t know how to deal with it. I can talk … I was captive within the world of the Internet for a long time, entangled within a network of unhealthy relationships and within a framework that forced me to constantly respond and take part, as though without that I had no significance. It is important to me to tell my story in the hopes that it will help others who are where I used to be or are on their way there, G-d forbid.
As a girl, I went through a number of hard years because I was on the Internet. During this period, I felt a tremendous inner loneliness and the Internet helped me escape this feeling. In the morning, I looked like the most Chassidish and involved girl. I served as a counselor in Midrasha and Bat Melech, I arranged camps, I had a positive influence on girls, and at night I was sunk in the forty-ninth level of impurity. The hours I spent on the Internet led me to many bad things; undesirable relationships with boys and girls, a chronic lack of sleep, and a distancing of myself from everything holy. I was divided between two worlds and nobody knew. The truth is that it also took me time to realize where I was and how deep I had fallen.
Throughout this time, I really tried not to become addicted. It always started with “just five minutes,” just to check my mail and every time I got sucked in. I slowly realized I had a problem. I had not managed to disconnect and I had so many positive, holy things to do the next day that required energy and alertness. It is hard to describe how much energy I needed to invest in order to hide the places I visited during the night. It affected my health.
The most dangerous thing of all about the Internet is that nobody knows you and you can do anything; there are no healthy boundaries to protect you. I slowly came to see that this inclination wasn’t diminishing; it was getting worse and I had to stop it. At first I tried to delete email addresses through which I was being negatively influenced. I changed my password and decided not to visit certain sites. I changed devices. But nothing helped. At this point, it wasn’t just about getting weaned off the Internet itself, but from a crazy number of people with whom I was in regular contact. These people continued sending me messages and it turned into a major annoyance. I remember how at this time, at every farbrengen, birthday or Chassidic date, all my good hachlatos had to do with this, i.e. that I succeed in eliminating this addiction and getting back to normal life.
People think that the profile of the Internet addicted personality is someone who lacks something emotionally. But the truth is that today, everyone is addicted. The world of the Internet is so full of sensory experiences that people simple get used to this feeling and forget there is something else more simple, innocent, real, and fulfilling. I remember that during the period that I was addicted, people did not understand what happened to my appearance, how it became so hardened and brazen. It was all from there, because the Internet is like a garbage can that leads to many things that contaminate you. Even if at first the Internet usage is relatively innocent, it is very easy to reach these other places.
After some time in which I tried to control myself on my own, I realized I wasn’t going to get out the mud. Boruch Hashem, I had the courage and insight to speak to someone. First I went to R’ Pinchas Rubinstein of Neve Daniel. He is not a Lubavitcher rav but he was a big help to me. He asked me to sit and write a list of all the damage caused to me by the Internet. I sat there for two hours and did not stop writing. About all the bad people I was in touch with, about my poor health, about the friends I had lost, about the projects I had been unable to do, about the family from whom I distanced myself. I suddenly saw how much I had lost and how mainly I had lost myself.
He began to work with me, mainly on improving my self-image. If I look at the entire process of my addiction, I can say that I got to all this from a poor self-image. It’s not that I looked like someone with that kind of problem, but inside, I was lacking. The problem is that the Internet creates relationships that only cause you to feel worse about yourself.
The next connection I made which was very significant for me was with Ofer Dishon, an educational consultant from Kfar Chabad who was a tremendous help to me. He mainly listened and gave me the feeling that I am not alone. He is a tremendous educator.
At this time, I was already of shidduchim age, but because of the taint on my reputation, I felt that even if I changed, nothing would help me since no good Lubavitcher bachur would want me. It was really hard for me to find good shidduchim suggestions within Chabad. This is why I started meeting non-Lubavitcher bachurim. I met with a religious guy without a beard and nearly got engaged, but I had many misgivings, since I knew that I wanted a Lubavitcher home.
I called a rav who knew me and knew a bit about what I had been through. When he heard my hesitation he said to me, “Look, you don’t stand a chance with a Lubavitcher bachur, but maybe in another five years they’ll forget everything you did and you can start anew.” After hanging up, his words continued echoing in my mind and made me think, “You’ll see. I will marry a Chabadnik and not first in five years.”
Two days later, my father told me about the shidduch suggestion of my husband. I told him this is the last Lubavitcher I am willing to try after everything that was suggested to me. Luckily, my husband met me the first time without doing any checking. After this meeting, he did some checking and found out a lot of what I had been through. The second time we met, he told me everything that he knew and for two hours I told him about my life and about how I had gotten to where I had gotten. After he listened understandingly, he said it is obvious that I went to a place of a lot of klipa, but inside I did not belong there, I belonged to k’dusha and he would help raise me up from there.
After we married, it wasn’t easy for me. Daily routine was very boring to me. Going to work, going home, cooking and spending quiet evenings together all seemed to be such a chore. It was such a stark change from the fast-paced, illusory world in which I had lived, in comparison to a simple, basic, Chassidic home. There were days that I missed the fear that I felt when I would surf the Internet at night. It took me at least a year to get used to and enjoy normal life.
Today, boruch Hashem, I have children and I live a very happy, pure life. I serve as a shlucha of the Rebbe and try to help whoever falls into the dangerous net.
Recently, I see that that Internet and Smartphones have infiltrated the most Chassidishe families. They are used mostly for positive things like for shlichus and for families to keep in touch. But even in these cases, it is not simple. You can see how, as this form of communication develops, interpersonal communication is negatively affected. Today, when my family gets together, what used to be an intimate gathering today has turned into something else entirely. If my sister and sister-in-law get a message on WhatsApp they are no longer with me. It has created a situation in which it is much more feasible to create a deep connection and to talk with someone who doesn’t have a Smartphone, because how can you talk to someone in depth when they are looking at their phone every five minutes to see if they got a message? Boruch Hashem, we still have Shabbos when we can fill up with real interactions.
It was important to me to also relate the happy ending of my story, mainly so that girls who are going through what I went through won’t give up and think they will never find a Chassidishe bachur to marry. They should know that it’s worth their while to drop the junk and rise in k’dusha. I saw how the moment I came with a pure heart and truly wanted my life to change, Hashem sent me help. But I had to really change. It is also important to me to tell girls who are in the throes of addiction that you cannot wean yourself off it alone. You need professional help. In my experience, it is preferable to heal this way instead of turning to parents, because sometimes, since they take it so to heart and so badly, they handle it hysterically and in a way that only exacerbates the situation.
The things that I regret the most from that period of my life are all the sights I saw and the things I heard. They are not deleted, even after doing t’shuva. They are engraved within me. It is very painful because sometimes, at the holiest times in life, they reappear.
The voice of a mother, Mrs. Chali Bar
THE SMARTPHONE IS DESTROYING OUR FAMILY
I think that the main problem is that we have turned the Internet into something indispensable. I recently spoke with a friend who has the Internet on her phone. Among other things, she is on all sorts of family groups on WhatsApp. I asked her whether she doesn’t find it disturbing when she gets messages during the times that her children are home. She said she makes a great effort so that it does not disturb. In effect, her answer told me that the messages do disturb; otherwise why would she need to make an effort?
We do not spend most of our day with our children, so why should we introduce something that disturbs the peace and our relationships with them when they are home? As it is, we mothers have so many things we need to do at home, to cook and clean, do laundry and straighten up the house. Why add another element that will take away precious time?
We are constantly making good hachlatos and we work hard to keep the one we made on our birthday two years ago. Why add new challenges? Even if, thanks to the Internet we are able to keep up with our family, near and far, it’s not worth it. I have a simple, old-fashioned cell phone that is not connected to the Internet and I see that even with this plain phone, if I don’t shut it, the children are alert to every conversation or message that comes in and immediately look for the phone. All the beeps are distracting and we lose out on what’s important. We lose out on the deep relationships we are meant to have with our children.
When building a home, an everlasting edifice, one of the most important things is to develop good relationships with one another. Today, the situation is such that people give precedence to their relationship with their iPhone over relationships with one another. People are constantly showing one another new items and messages that they received. Slowly, without realizing it, the relationships within the home become like those on the Internet, superficial and quick. This process makes us forget the truth that our inner work with ourselves is slow and gradual.
Hashem is constantly presenting us with hurdles that bring us to a halt, whether it’s the kids, our spouse, work, etc. The Internet gives the opposite impression – that everything moves along. Then, when there is something that doesn’t go easily in life, the easiest thing to do is to escape because over there it’s easy. But we sustain a very serious loss in our Avodas Hashem as Jews and primarily as Chassidim.
Our goal as women is to protect our home. I often hear women say that they know how to deal with this challenge and it does not pose a problem for them. But maybe your husband or child won’t know how to handle it, maybe they won’t know how to stop, and then they will have access to all the filth in the world. Why bring it into the home? There are women who have the Internet in the home with the excuse that their children are still young, but the building of our homes is from the foundation, from the very start. When a routine is introduced, it is very hard afterward to get rid of it, to disconnect. There will always be new reasons why you can’t manage without it.
I heard a story about the brother of a friend of mine from a very Chassidishe family who got a message via WhatsApp. By mistake, he sent it to the entire family who are on the Internet. When my friend received the message she was very surprised, since it wasn’t appropriate for her to have received it. She asked him about it and he said it was sent by mistake.
The lesson to learn from this is that just as it was sent by mistake, the children of that friend could also be exposed by mistake to these messages. That’s the problem; the boundaries have become blurred and it is very hard today to protect our children.
I work with the girls in the Kfar in the Achos HaT’mimim program and accomplish a lot without using an iPhone and almost entirely without the Internet. It is possible that if I used them it would make life easier for me, but I feel that I don’t want to take this easier route because the ends do not always justify the means, even on shlichus. Because in these situations, little by little more breaches are made. In the end, what happens is that things that are not okay become okay. If, over the years, we are becoming coarsened and empty of k’dusha, we need to be very wary of this. For example, a few years ago, I considered sending a text to a man immodest and shameful. Today, it is normal.
The voice of a therapist, R’ Ofer Dishon
REBUILDING A HEALTHY EMOTIONAL SYSTEM
When we hear about extreme Internet usage, we mainly address the waste of time incurred, or the addiction which affects daily life, or the exposure to content that is corrosive to the soul. I would like to present another perspective concerning the social-emotional significance of what is happening, mainly on the social networks. All these networks such as Facebook, forums, chat rooms, WhatsApp and even text messages make for very external relationships. The communication there is spare and superficial. When concluding an Internet conversation there is no feeling of fulfillment; on the contrary, it’s a feeling of emptiness. The only thing that will dispel this emptiness is another Internet conversation. This never-ending loop is what leads to addiction.
When we want to help someone who is drawn into this world, we have the lower hand. We seemingly have much less to offer than what he gets there. The Internet has all the advantages associated with novelty. It plays on the senses, changes pictures, screens, and employs graphics that the normal world does not have the tools to compete with. There is immediate gratification, answers to all questions, and it is accessible, quick, and absorbing. Someone who needs constant feedback because of an inner lack will find it here.
Our emotional process, even when positive, works on positive reinforcement. The faster we get it, the more we are drawn in. There was an exercise done in psychology classes that whenever the lecturer approached the door, the students listened to him and nodded. When he moved away from the door, the students did not cooperate. The lecturer very quickly developed the habit of standing near the door on a regular basis even though it would be more natural to stand in the center of the class. This is because that is where the students gave him positive reinforcement. We understand from this that even if you are heading down the wrong road but you get reinforcement, you will be drawn in.
But there is something that we have that the Internet will never have, and that is reality. In face to face social encounters, you can have fulfilling experiences that the Internet will never match. This is the key to extricating people out of the addiction. How can you compare a relationship via a device to a face to face conversation? You get so much more: a tone of voice, body language, the person’s energy. Words are only a small percentage of what is conveyed.
Generally, real-life experiences affect all our senses and we get energized by this. When a girl meets a friend and has a heart to heart talk with her, she feels it for a week afterward.
When a patient comes to me who was harmed as a result of using the Internet, I try to see where his emotional security is faulty. Our ability to handle challenges comes from this inner sense of security, and when it is damaged, the Internet replaces it. This is what takes hold and becomes addictive, which is why it is hard to disconnect. In this situation, in order to get weaned off, what is required is emotional therapy or a substitute which will fill or build the damaged part in the right way. I absolutely do not recommend the approach of going cold turkey. Although there are situations in which this works, it is not a preferred choice because there is a chance that the addicted person will not rebuild himself. It can only serve to break him.
The best approach is to have professional treatment which helps build a healthy emotional system. In this way, the need for the Internet slowly fades. You cannot avoid working on the psychological issues that cause the addiction. To confiscate the phone or computer or to forbid going to friends merely sets the person up for a breakdown. Someone who used the Internet for a number of years needs to actually learn how to create relationships in the right way. I think that parents and educators need to provide youth with a good substitute for what they get on these networks.
Youth, as well as adults, who are deep within the cybernetic world, lives their lives there. The more they live life over there, the less they are with us. It is like they disappeared from the reality in which we live. Some call this expanse “virtual reality,” but the emotions aroused there and the dangers present are quite real. Treating it like something imaginary will negatively affect our ability to help. Part of how to extricate the addict is to slowly draw him into the real world, to help him express himself and to “appear” in those places where we want to see him involved.
Even the Chabad websites that seem kosher add to the problem. In the past, when something happened, we heard about it in shul. Today our updates are via the computer. A boy who wants to see images of himself from his time in camp, even the most Chassidishe ones, goes to these sites. This makes Internet usage a must and gives the feeling that only if you are online are you informed. There is a tremendous amount of peer pressure regarding this.
There are elementary age girls who are watching the bachurim dancing at the Simchas Beis HaShoeiva by the Rebbe and checking to see where their brother’s friend is. All these situations contribute to the mingling which later leads to improper relationships. We know that the more boundaries we make, the more distant we are from sin, and the boundary must be made not on the edge of the abyss but a yard back. That is why it is so important not to get into the habit of legitimate use of the Internet.
Another danger that we are less aware of is what is called cyber bullying. In the past, a child who was taunted in school knew that at least when he went home he had a break. Today, there are instances in which the bullying continues on Facebook at all hours of the day. There is nowhere to escape and the child continues to be denigrated in front of dozens, even hundreds, of others, sometimes with their encouragement. It is terrible, and there were cases in Eretz Yisroel and elsewhere in which young people committed suicide over this. Although such extreme situations are not familiar to us, I have been consulted regarding bullying on the net. It happens on some level or another in our circles too, and the adults are usually oblivious.
Children should be spoken to and the dangers explained so that they know how to deal with it and prevent it. They also need to be given a place to turn to in the event that they don’t want to tell their parents or someone in school.
Something important that can protect our children is to limit the usage of any devices, especially at home. That includes movies and computer games. It is more important to get children used to playing board games and games with friends which develops them socially. That way they are taught to delay gratification and much more. The more pleasant it will be for a child to live in this world, the less likely he will find it necessary to search for adventures in other places.