Finding one’s bashert can be a challenge. Not surprisingly, it is compared to the splitting of the Yam Suf. Rochele Haramati presents some of the dilemmas and questions of those seeking a shidduch to Rabbi Zalman Notik, mashpia in Yeshivas Toras Emes, in Yerushalayim.
WHEN TO BE INFLEXIBLE
How old are you?
This innocent question is not meant to pressure anyone or make them uncomfortable, but Ruti is embarrassed every time she has to respond. It comes up at farbrengens and when she’s on mivtzaim. She wants to feel young and free of worries, but how can she? The clock does not stop ticking and she hasn’t found a shidduch yet.
Her recent date was excellent, the conversation flowed, but to her consternation, at the end of it, the young man took out a Smartphone. She could see how he was up to date with every possible technological device. They call this a Chassidishe bachur?! she thought bitterly.
But maybe she was the problem? Maybe, today there are no bachurim who are yerei Shamayim, Chassidish, who stand strong against that which is foreign to her? She had heard how people called her picky and unrealistic. Maybe she had to do what her friend Esther confided in her that she did. Esther said she had no choice but to concede a bit on her level of tznius so dating would work out for her.
“Today’s bachurim aren’t Chassidish as they once were,” she maintained. “We have no choice but to make accommodations.”
Well, she did not want to compromise on her values and did not know what to do.
In shidduchim (as in marriage), is it good advice “to be smart and not right?” Are yiras Shamayim matters things we can be flexible about? What can be done when today, the reality is such that the girls’ level of yiras Shamayim is usually higher than that of the bachurim?
R’ Notik: Of course you should not be flexible. The men have to be motivated to rise up to the spiritual level of the women. On the contrary, you need to look at the current reality not as something negative, but as a taste of Yemos HaMoshiach when “a female will surround a male” and “a valorous woman is a crown for her husband.” It is this reality, in which the spiritual level of the woman is higher, that is the fully rectified reality for Yemos HaMoshiach. The woman has the power to bring the man up to her level, to influence the husband to have set times for learning Torah and to disconnect from inappropriate forms of entertainment.
Are you saying a woman can marry someone on a lower spiritual level and make him her project?
From the outset, a girl needs to look for someone suitable, who matches her spiritual level. Marriage is not a yeshiva. You don’t marry in order to teach. But in the event that they married and they see that her spiritual level is higher, it is very important to work on this, but it has to be done respectfully and not like a mechaneches.
Likewise, she needs to consult with her mashpia about how to influence her husband without lowering herself, but of course, this is not a reason for divorce. The husband needs to be influenced in “ways of pleasantness and peace.” He needs to be raised up while not adversely affecting the shalom bayis.
Are you saying then, that on dates, a girl should not make accommodations on tznius and the use of technological gadgets?
As far as shidduchim, there could be a bachur who has gadgets he shouldn’t have, but in other respects he is a very Chassidishe boy. There isn’t a categorical answer to this, but there is no question that these phones endanger the institution of marriage to some degree and cause a lot of confusion and lack of proper familial communications. It’s important to address this issue. If the bachurim knew that the girls would reject them for these phones, it could cause many of them not to use them, knowing that it would adversely affect them in shidduchim. As to whether to pursue a certain shidduch when he uses a phone like this, a mashpia should be consulted.
LAMDANUS AND MIDDOS
Yaakov ran, huffing and sweating, toward the bus stop, hoping to catch the bus that was there. Unfortunately, he missed it by a second and he had no choice but to wait for half an hour for the next bus. Yaakov does not take these things to heart and he is not the type to waste time. He began scanning the passersby to see who might be a potential customer for mivtza t’fillin.
To his good fortune, the bus stop was busy. Buses came and went, people got on and got off. Hardly anyone refused to put on t’fillin. Yaakov was very pleased.
A bus was coming. Was it his? No. When the bus arrived it picked up everyone waiting there and Yaakov remained alone. He looked around and suddenly noticed a black briefcase on the bench. His heart began pounding. It was a suspicious item and the week before there had been a number of attacks. Maybe…
One minute. Yaakov stopped his wild imagination and began thinking logically. When he got to the bus stop the briefcase was not there, he was sure of that. And he had not seen a single person with Arab features, so probably someone had forgotten his briefcase and that was all.
He hesitantly approached the briefcase and gingerly opened it. Before his astonished eyes he saw piles and piles of money. Whose money was this? Who had forgotten this vast amount of money at a bus stop?
He took a paper out of his pocket and wrote on it, “Hashavas Aveida” with his phone number and put it up on the wall of the bus shelter. His bus came a few minutes later and he boarded it while holding the black briefcase. He prayed that he would be able to fulfill the mitzva of returning a lost item to its owner.
When he got home, he told his mother about the briefcase and asked her to be sure to answer the phone because maybe the owner of the briefcase would call. When he went out for Mincha-Maariv, his mother sighed and thought: Yaakov is such a great bachur. It’s already a year since he came back from shlichus with the goal of getting married, but he hasn’t found a shidduch yet.
She knew what wonderful middos Yaakov had, and he deserved a quality girl, but what could be done when the best girls were looking for someone smart who is a lamdan and not merely for a plain, good, yerei Shamayim?
The phone rang and she answered it. An unfamiliar nervous voice asked, “Did you find a briefcase?”
“Yes,” said Yaakov’s mother and she gave the man her address. Within an hour, a Chassidic man appeared. He provided identifying signs and was given the briefcase. He could not stop thanking Yaakov and his mother. “A few hours ago I came back from England where I worked hard to raise money for our yeshiva. I guess that in my exhaustion I forgot the briefcase with all the donations at the bus stop. But it was all worth it so that I could meet a bachur with such yiras Shamayim and fine middos.”
It seems that the bracha that a boy be a Chassid, yerei Shamayim and only then a lamdan (acronym: chayal=soldier) is not quite the order which people are looking for in a shidduch. For many people, the lamdanus comes first, like in the Litvishe world.
What importance should we attribute to lamdanus in a Chassidishe bachur, and how much weight should we give to good middos and being a mentch?
I think the question is unrealistic since I don’t see that many outstanding lamdanim around… Anyway, a Chassid has Chassidishe middos, good middos, he goes in the ways of Chassidus, he carries out the Rebbe’s takanos, Rambam and all Chassidishe minhagim. A yerei Shamayim fulfills the halachos that pertain to yiras Shamayim. A lamdan refers to love of Torah, someone who uses every free moment for learning. A lamdan is not about knowledge but about an attitude toward Torah study.
How much of an emphasis should be placed on a bachur’s middos?
The Rebbe’s guideline is to stress three things: good middos, yiras Shamayim, and feeling attracted. That means that good middos are a critical element. If the boy and girl have good middos, they can bridge many differences, but if good middos are lacking and there is stubbornness and unwillingness to compromise, every little disagreement will likely turn into a huge conflict.
DOR YESHARIM
“What? You didn’t check with Dor Yesharim?” Rivka asked her friend in disbelief.
“I didn’t do it, nor do I plan on doing it,” said her friend matter-of-factly. “In our family nobody does it because we rely on the Rebbe to decide about a shidduch as our ancestors throughout the generations did.”
Rivka did not respond but she wondered how anybody would be willing to consider her friend for a shidduch when the reality today is such that everyone is checked by Dor Yesharim.
A week later the friends met again and Rivka could tell from the sparkle in her friend’s eyes that something was going on. Despite her great curiosity, she refrained from asking anything and waited eagerly for good news which she heard two weeks later. Her friend was a kalla!
At the vort, her friend said, “The shlucha for whom I worked as a counselor last summer saw someone at the Kosel who looked just like me, amazingly similar. Next to her walked a bachur whom she knew from mivtzaim. When she saw them from afar, she was sure it was me walking with him, but when they got closer, she could see it was not me. The bachur nodded to the shlucha and introduced her to his sister. The shlucha quickly explained why she was looking surprised and said she knew a Chassidishe girl who looked just like his sister and maybe he should meet her. He accepted the suggestion and here we are!”
Wow! Incredible story.
Is checking with Dor Yesharim that important or could a couple suffice with a bracha from the Rebbe (in the Igros Kodesh)? And what should happen when a couple wants to conclude a shidduch and they write to the Rebbe and see no bracha whatsoever?
Dor Yesharim is very important. Checking can prevent terrible diseases. There is no reason to write to the Rebbe before checking with Dor Yesharim just like you don’t write to the Rebbe before seeing good middos, yiras Shamayim, and an attraction.
When you don’t see an answer in the Igros Kodesh, the mashpia of the boy and girl should be spoken to. Sometimes, the mashpia will see an answer, but in general this is not a question that can be decided in the pages of a magazine.
SIMILAR OR DIFFERENT?
He’s Ashkenazi, there’s no way he’ll agree! He’s not merely religious from the home, he’s from a Chassidishe home.
Gili tossed and turned in her creaking bed in the dormitory of the midrasha. Her mashpia told her, “Think positively and it will be good. We’ll suggest it and hope he’ll respond, at least agree to a meeting.” His younger sister was a shlucha in the midrasha and was very excited about Gili the baalas t’shuva. She told her brother about Gili and said she felt they were suitable. Both were so good and smart and successful.
Gili’s thoughts seesawed between despair and hope and she fell asleep. In a dream, she saw herself holding a little redheaded boy with freckles and blue eyes. She tried to offer him kubana (Yemenite bread) but he pushed the plate away. She woke up suddenly and lay there without moving. It was just a dream but she felt it had to be considered. It was no simple matter. Their backgrounds were so different. They might have a common language, maybe even a common vision, but maybe not. Maybe it would be easier with someone more similar.
In a situation where a girl is interested in a shidduch that is so different from her, should she be alerted to the fact that it’s harder? Maybe those who are so different shouldn’t meet? Can suitability be measured by externals such as background and ethnicity or maybe only personality and deeper character issues?
One of the problems in shidduchim is when parents are looking for a shidduch that suits the parents but does not suit their son or daughter. They are drawn to something completely different than what their parents think is good. You need to listen to the heart whispers of a boy or girl. Parents can make suggestions but not lay down the rule. More freedom to make decisions needs to be given to the boy or girl in shidduchim. Guidance yes; dictating to them, no. A bachur needs to marry someone who suits him and the same goes for the girl.
Marrying someone different, is that an advantage or a disadvantage?
There’s no such thing as advantage or disadvantage. For one couple it’s a plus and for another couple it’s a minus. A boy and girl who are different from one another marry because they are attracted. They see the differences as a challenge. What they have in common is the fact that they are both open to the challenge. Generally speaking, the backgrounds should be similar and there should be common interests, but sometimes, the parties involved are drawn to a different background and other areas of interest.