QUESTION >
We all know how pivotal it is for a father to be a “Dugma Chaya” [living example] for his family in all aspects of life. But what will be if my child discovers the truth, that there are many areas in which I have a “long-way-to go…”?
***
ANSWER >
Unfortunately this is a common mistake with a heavy price.
It begins from the assumption that it will be impossible for my son to listen and accept from me if he sees that I don’t practice all that I strive for. From there we try to put on the “flawless father” image.
So what’s the problem you ask? Well, for 2 main reasons:
Worse than your “not being practical”, it is also false Al Pi Torah – Sheker! We are all Beinunim by default, which means; embracing the reality that the taanug Hashem receives from us is from our constant battles and successes. We are never perfect. We will still always be challenged with struggles.
Here’s the key:
It is totally okay, and even crucial for you son to hear: “everyone has their struggles” kids and adults. He can hear you say at a chassidishe farbrengen that some things are hard for you, and you are working on it. All in all, that is the “Beinuni” attitude you want him to have. That is also the appreciation you want him to develop for his every small success!
Being a chassid is not about being perfect.
In shas a chassid is a level higher than a tzadik. In Chassidus however, a chassid is a title given to someone who has just two important qualities:
- He is aware of his standing in Torah and mitzvos, as well as the areas that need improvement: and,
- He works fixing them and develops his Kabolas Oil - discipline (Hayom Yom for 21 Adar I)
In addition, “A chosid is a kluger”, i.e. he doesn’t fool himself into believing he stands higher then where he truly does. Ensure this is the truth for you and for your child. Embrace our status as Beinunim and celebrate it.
But won’t he look down at me? Won’t I lose his respect?
Resounding No! His appreciation and feel of Emes will give him the inner strength to overcome his challenges. Even more so, this gives a son the drive and power to be even better than his father in a respectful way – as “each one of us has his unique challenges and Avoda”. Teach him by way of example to celebrate every small success!
As the Rebbe Melech haMoshiach once told a yid who despite his love for the the Rebbe, was scared to become a chassid. “How will I fill the responsibilities which come with this awesome title”. The Rebbe calmed him: “A chassid is one who goes to sleep thinking “How will I make tomorrow better than today.”
***
NOTE: This is not to say you should tell him your flaws! He is not your mashpia. You do however want him to know that there are those things you are working on and things that are hard for you.. ■