Even after the conclusion of the recent military operations in Gaza, children in Eretz Yisroel are still experiencing a variety of traumas stemming from the conflict. Numerous children have even gone back to the bad habits they had previously displayed. In this article, we will attempt to analyze the situation and provide helpful tips to parents on dealing with relevant questions: How do we handle fears? Should we repress them or speak to them? When is fear a natural and passing phase? When is it something requiring clarification and treatment?
Translated by Michoel Leib Dobry
In the face of the complicated events we have recently endured, I was extremely uncertain as to what and how to address the matter to the students in my class. For several weeks, we had been praying for the success and welfare of our soldiers, making good resolutions – and the news was not always good. How will the children accept this? How do we tell them about the struggle against the terrorists without creating an imaginary sense of fear?
As I entered the classroom the feeling of doubt and indecision suddenly vanished. I realized that the question was not whether to tell, but what to tell. I found children who already knew everything and more. The world of their fertile imagination, together with the knowledge that several of the children had gathered from the outside environment, was positively apocalyptic: numerous casualties and countless horror stories. I understood rather quickly that I had to sit with my students and tell them the truth on their level.
Several months earlier, an anti-Semitic hooligan had sprayed swastikas and other inflammatory messages all over the neighborhood. One of the schoolchildren had been the first to discover the graffiti, and he immediately informed the teachers, who subsequently called the police. Within a matter of minutes, numerous mobile police units arrived in the street while the schoolchildren closely followed the officers’ every step.
When this saga ended and the man was arrested, we could hear frightful accounts with no factual basis from the children, especially the younger ones. One described how the man had chased him, another told how he was carrying a pistol, yet another spoke of a shootout between police officers and the suspect, while a fourth child even mentioned that the suspect was his neighbor and he had been planning a terrorist attack.
As the children’s inner world is bolstered by a great deal of imagination, it is most important to know that as adults, we cannot ignore what’s going on around us. In these times, it remains impossible for us to conceal information. We must be the ones to present this information, naturally according to the children’s age and character. While we don’t always have to say the whole truth, when we find ourselves in a situation of unawareness, the child tends to connect scraps of information incorrectly, thereby reacting to them with worry and anxiety.
Of course, there’s no way we can ignore what children in Eretz Yisroel’s central and southern regions endured in recent weeks. They heard the rising and falling sirens, the Code Red alerts, the daily sounds of explosions, as they ran with their parents to protected areas. In many homes, there were relatives serving in the Israel Defense Forces, and it wasn’t too difficult to notice the expressions of concern on the parents’ faces when they learned of the recurring terrorist attacks. All this could easily place our children in a state of considerable agitation.
The war created much uncertainty: When and where would the next missile fall? Would one of my loved ones be harmed? These are only a few of the fears that pervade the prolific minds of our children. These questions are the primary cause of their fear.
Even after the conclusion of the recent military operations in Gaza, children in Eretz Yisroel are still experiencing a variety of traumas stemming from the conflict. Numerous children have even gone back to the bad habits they had previously displayed, e.g., thumb sucking, bedwetting, etc.
In this article, we will attempt to analyze the situation and provide helpful tips to parents on dealing with relevant questions: How do we handle fears? Should we repress them or speak to them? When is fear a natural and passing phase? When is it something requiring clarification and treatment?
VARIOUS FORMS
OF ANXIETY
Anxiety is mainly, although not solely, built from fear. There are four central components characterizing anxiety: emotional, intellectual, physical, and behavioral. Similarly, there are six main types of anxiety.
General – Some people tend to worry more than usual. The mind is occupied with repeated concerns – financial, family, etc. These concerns take control of a person’s life, and with the passage of time, the person establishes his daily schedule according to the number of worries he has and their intensity.
Anxiety Attacks – Sudden physical signs: rapid pulse, chest pains, feeling of suffocation, etc. The person is certain that something bad is about to happen, and he often looks for medical assistance. This is usually accompanied by a need to avoid crowded places, such as shopping centers.
Compulsive Obsession – Uncontrollable thoughts persistently enter the person’s mind as he constantly seeks to settle his fixation with a certain issue.
Social – Fear of criticism and speaking in public. The person usually avoids meeting new people or attending social functions.
Specific – Specific phobias, e.g., air travel, elevators, snakes. The fear is accompanied by physical symptoms of anxiety upon meeting up with a perceived threat.
Post-Trauma – Unceasing anxiety after an occurrence that represented an actual life-threatening situation. Many soldiers suffered from post-trauma anxiety. Numerous children in Sderot and along the Gaza Belt have been diagnosed with this condition. In essence, when we speak about anxiety over war, the main concern relates to this phenomenon. Post-trauma can be rather acute, a passing phase, or a chronic ailment requiring even deeper treatment.
As parents, we must understand that anxiety is a very natural thing, as long as it doesn’t turn into something that can interfere with the conduct of a person’s daily life. To prevent this anxiety from intensifying and becoming a post-traumatic stress disorder where every unfamiliar sound resembling an explosion sends us into a panic, we must serve as a protective wall around our children. In accordance with the manner in which we act and conduct ourselves as parents, this will have a tremendous influence upon them whether they will be gripped by fear over the war or whether the initial feelings of anxiety will slowly dissipate.
Parents usually get confused between the concept of “shock” stemming from a traumatic event and a child’s normal feelings of anxiety. When a child faces a situation of considerable emotional pressure, he turns to his parents to receive confirmation or verification of what had happened. In the event that the parent is excited or upset, the child will interpret this accordingly as something dangerous and frightening.
The feeling of fear is normal and healthy. The body generates fear as a means of signaling danger and encouraging us to protect ourselves. If we will realize this and transmit the message to our children, they can develop a friendly relationship with fear, realizing that it’s there to protect us. In such circumstances, they will feel freer to express their fear, in the hope that they can eventually manage to release the grip it has over them.
Children grasp and understand what’s happening far better than what we describe to them. Children have a special talent for sensing the tension and anxiety around them. Stressful conditions that influence adult family members also increase the sense of worry within children. For want of accurate information or the ability to understand the prevailing situation, children tend to use their imagination, which can grow and develop into frightening proportions. This leads to a perception completely incompatible with the actual threat.
Symptoms of tension in children are similar to those displayed by adults: disquiet, lack of concentration, extreme anger or crying. These are quite common in occurrence. Children can also express their anxiety by clinging to their parents or through fear at night.
Fear is often something that can be described easily and clearly by the person who is frightened. In contrast, however, anxiety is usually accompanied by a general feeling of discomfort, which is difficult to describe precisely.
Anxiety is measured according to two parameters: suffering and ability to function. You can identify an anxious child when he is unable to function or suffers a general decline. He can’t sleep, he can’t eat, he doesn’t communicate with friends. This condition continues for a lengthy period of time and does not improve. The parameter of suffering comes to the child in the form of troubling thoughts and endless questions. In such a case, it would be advisable to seek professional help.
Facts clearly show that as we in our parental role succeed in preserving inner tranquility and emotional strength, our children will feel more relaxed. It would be most appropriate to pay close attention to your tone of voice, the level of stress you create in your immediate environment, and the length and nature of conversations you have with those close to you.
Make proper use of this time and maximize discussions on faith in the Creator, and most important, to review and memorize the calming words of the Rebbe, Melech HaMoshiach, that Eretz Yisroel is “a land that the eyes of Hashem, your G-d, are constantly upon it, from the beginning of the year until the end of the year.” Finally, with regard to the imminent Redemption, a child who realizes that all these afflictions are merely the birth pangs of Moshiach in preparation for the revelation of the great light of Geula – is a more secure and confident child.