How can we get children to feel secure at home? What ingenious solution did the Rebbe advise a woman who wanted to bring her angry son back home? Why does the key to success lie in the Shabbos meals? How do the children feel when their father is tired at the Shabbos table? * A practical article on chinuch, part 1 of 2, by R’ Nachman Twersky, a longtime mechanech in Crown Heights, based on a speech.
INVESTING MORE INTO CHINUCH TODAY THAN EVER BEFORE
Before we start talking about chinuch, we have to define what chinuch is. Rashi in Parshas Tetzaveh, Chapter 28, Pasuk 41, says, “Every [mention of] ‘filling of the hands’ is an expression of initiation, chinuch. When a person begins something [such as a position] that he will be established in from that day on [it is referred to as filling a position].”
The word Chinuch is similar linguistically to the expressions Chanukas HaBayis, Chanukas HaMizbeiach, Chanukas HaMikdash. What is a Chanukas HaBayis? I have a house, it’s built and fixed up and furnished. Everything is in order, but we still don’t make a Chanukas HaBayis. When can we do so? It is only when we actually enter it and live in it. A Chanukas HaBayis takes place when the potential is actualized. That’s what chinuch is.
Every child has wonderful kochos; they just need to be revealed. That’s what chinuch is about, actualizing that which the child has in potential form.
I’d like to speak about how we get a child and even an adult to feel that the home is his protective environment. This is very pertinent, especially in our times, when we see what is going on in the street. We see terrible things, but we also see wonderful things.
The topic of chinuch is one we talk about and focus on very much in our generation. What changed in our generation that chinuch has become a top priority and there are so many professionals in the field?
The Torah says, “Ask your father and he will tell you, your elders and they will say it to you.” In earlier generations there was innocence, like that of the Jews in the time of the Baal Shem Tov. In those days, they knew that if father says so, you follow. They followed their father and grandfather with utmost sincerity. Even if they were ignorant, they had the foundation of simple faith and bitachon. People were very simple and many did not even know how to read, but they had bittul before the rabbi, the mashpia, before a Chassid and talmid chacham. These authority figures were the center of life.
But over time new ideas entered our world. The big world became small, and everyone knows everything. Everyone has become a know-it-all and has an opinion. This started back in the time of Haskala when they started pulling young people away and caused a spiritual Holocaust. Then it continued with the various movements and it slowly penetrated our homes too.
Since then we don’t have that simplicity anymore of “ask your father,” that if a father says something, that’s reason enough to do it. Today, every child thinks for himself.
So we must find ways of getting into the head of a child and understanding how he understands the world and how he sees the world. If we don’t speak his language, the child won’t be receptive. Children nowadays don’t have the bittul they once had, that if a father says something it’s sacred, and if a rav says something it’s sacrosanct.
Nowadays, we must invest thought in the proper approach to the child and we need to be careful with every word so as not to miss the opportunity of reaching his heart and mind.
ENJOYING THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT WORLD
By Divine Providence, someone recently came over to me and asked if I ever saw a certain letter of the Rebbe Rayatz. That letter is the basis of what I will say next.
The Rebbe Rayatz writes what conditions are necessary to build a Jewish home according to Torah. It is through such a structure that we merit Torah and mitzvos, health and parnasa, nachas from children and the fulfillment of “all those whom people are pleased with, the Spirit of HaMakom [Hashem] is pleased with him.”
How do you attain this? The Rebbe Rayatz writes in letter #1180: First understanding, energy, devotion, patience, goodness of heart, cleanliness, calm, order, joyous temperament with a positive face and a friendly approach.
Those are the Rebbe Rayatz’s words and we can spend hours on each word. It is really amazing. Sometimes the question arises: Do we really need to invest so much and work so hard when we are so preoccupied with making a living and putting out so much effort to simply manage day to day? How is it possible?
In my experience as a teacher, sometimes there is a class with 30-40 boys and it goes easily and sometimes there is a class with only 15 boys and it’s chaotic.
A person who puts himself and all his energy into his teaching does not fight with the children but controls them in a professional manner; not just professionally, but with yiras Shamayim. If he invests his soul into the chinuch of the talmidim, ultimately the children get it, and the classroom is quiet. They are mekabel from him and the work goes smoothly. But a teacher who does not resolve things within himself will find it hard to face a classroom and then he’ll scream at them and have the kids scream back. Nobody benefits.
The same is true at home. When the father puts his energy into his home – as the Rebbe Rayatz puts it: with understanding, energy, devotion, patience, goodness of heart, cleanliness, calm, order, joyous temperament with a positive face and friendly approach – and he invests himself into all these things, thinking of each point individually and how to implement them, he sees completely different results in the chinuch of his children. It takes work; not physical work, but wisdom and self-sacrifice.
One who is involved in chinuch and carries it out from a place of internal wholeness sees both This World and the Next World. The Kotzker Rebbe said on the words, “All Israel has a share in the world to come”: The World to Come is something every Jew has, but only erliche Yidden have This World.
We can understand this point as it pertains to chinuch. He who wants This World should invest in the chinuch of children and then he will have a genuine Olam HaZeh, a Jewish home where there is pleasure and chayus.
I’m not saying everyone is perfect, and the ideal would be wonderful. Every person goes through difficult things in life and nobody is 100% perfect. We aren’t robots. Sometimes a person explodes and it is impossible to demand of oneself that things have to be completely quiet all day every day.
But generally speaking, when children see their father keeping it together, serene, relaxed, and working on himself, even if it happens that he loses it because he is human after all, the child will understand that sometimes it’s hard for his father and sometimes he also loses it, but usually his father is a calm relaxed person that he can rely on.
A childless man went to a tzaddik to ask for a bracha for children. He asked which part of the davening on Rosh HaShana he should concentrate on in order to be blessed with children. After all, Rosh HaShana is the time that Hashem remembered Sarah and Chana and they conceived, and it’s an auspicious time.
The tzaddik told him, “I suppose you are asking for someone else because a person who doesn’t have children will think and pray about children with every paragraph of the davening.” When you say “opens the eyes of the blind” in the morning, it’s to merit children; “clothes the naked,” it is children. Whatever you daven, it’s about children. A person who is childless is always crying out that he wants children!
Boruch Hashem for giving us the great gift of children, blessed seed of G-d. It is the greatest shlichus Hashem has given us and it is the greatest joy. And this is where we must invest all our kochos. Chinuch is not a task that is done at a certain time of the day, the week, or the month. It’s a 24-hours-a-day task. Your presence at home, your conduct and speech, are chinuch.
CHABAD CHASSIDIM HAVE A SPECIAL POWER WHEN IT COMES TO CHINUCH
The psychiatrist Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski once spoke at a gathering of mechanchim and said that chinuch today is one of the biggest challenges and you, Chabad Chassidim, have the ko’ach of the Rebbe. For you it’s no problem at all. You, who have the kochos of the Rebbe, are generals when it comes to chinuch.
We need to know that we have the kochos and ensure that we use these kochos properly, going L’chat’chilla Aribber, on the very highest level.
We as Chassidim need to take the Rebbe’s words, think about them, and implement them. Here is an example: one of the biggest problems that cause worry at home is parnasa. There are endless expenses that are not covered by the monthly income. How much does a Jew need to earn? The truth is that each of us ought to be rich, not for luxuries, just to live. Hashem ought to give each of us wealth and then Jews won’t live with so many worries.
However, until the wealth comes, there are parnasa worries. What does the Rebbe say about this? “When you eat the toil of your hands, fortunate are you and it is good for you” – your head needs to be immersed in Torah and mitzvos and the study of Chassidus. As for parnasa, Chazal say you shall eat the toil of your hands, not the toil of your head! The Rebbe raises us up above the raging currents and daily worries!
The moment you think this way, you become another sort of person. Then your head is free to think about the children, who are the priority. As for parnasa, Hashem helps and will help. He does not abandon us. There is emuna and bitachon.
THE REBBE’S ORIGINAL SOLUTION
A woman’s son went off the derech and left home, and she wanted very much for him to return home, no matter his spiritual state. She asked the Rebbe what she could do to get her son to come back home. She felt she had done all she could already.
The Rebbe answered her in Yiddish, “Ir zolt ba’sheinin ayer Shabbos tzimmer” (make your Shabbos room beautiful). The Rebbe did not elaborate or explain.
She went home and looked at the dining room and the first thing she noticed was that the curtain was a little torn. After all, there were children in the house and when walking into the room you didn’t see the niceness of it, just the disarray. She ordered beautiful new curtains. Then she changed the dishes she used on Shabbos.
Throughout the week she thought about which delicious dishes she could make for Shabbos. She bought each child the nosh he liked best. She went shopping, cooked, and prepared the Shabbos meals in the finest way.
Thursday night she set the table with the new dishes and matching napkins. It was all perfect. When the children came home, they all felt the Shabbos atmosphere.
When her husband saw his wife’s efforts, that she prepared for the Shabbos Queen as if for a wedding, he also started his Shabbos preparations. They all looked forward to the moment they would sit down together at the Shabbos table.
At the Shabbos meal, the children sat like princes and princesses. One said a D’var Torah that he learned in school, and a daughter repeated something she had learned. The father told a story and said something on the parsha and the meal was just wonderful. The children looked forward to Shabbos because their mother prepared special things each week. The parents said nothing to the children about their brother. Shabbos united the family.
Several weeks went by in this manner. Then one day, the children met their brother on the street, the brother who hated his home, hated his father, his mother, and did not want to live at home. They told him that he did not know what he was missing. Every Shabbos was like a wedding.
Their brother didn’t believe them because he knew what Shabbos was like at home. It was nothing special at all. But his siblings insisted: Come and see. It’s not what you remember. He decided he had to go and see.
He showed up and loved it. His siblings had not exaggerated. There were nice curtains, a magnificent table, beautiful dishes, it was all respectable. His father sat like a king, relaxed, not sleeping at the table. His mother served delicacies in the nicest way. Nobody shouted at one another. He saw royalty and could not believe his eyes.
That is how it began and how it continued. He came more and more often for meals until he eventually returned home and to Judaism, Boruch Hashem.
The story speaks for itself. Shabbos is the only time that parents and children eat together, especially on Friday night. The rest of the week, the family is occupied and each one eats at a different time, the older ones when it’s good for them and the younger ones when it’s good for them. The father eats when he comes home from work. The mother sometimes eats with the little ones and sometimes with the big ones. Sometimes she doesn’t eat at all.
The Satan puts all his energy into ruining the Friday night meal. Children report that when they repeat a D’var Torah at the Friday night meal, their father snoozes, so why should they say it?
When there are guests and the parents ask the child to say a D’var Torah and he doesn’t want to, then if the father says a harsh word to him and embarrasses him, it makes the child think his father hates him.
They once brought an educational expert from Los Angeles to the Kinus for teachers. He is a frum man who works with dropouts. He works in the schools with kids at high risk in order to prevent them from dropping out. He meets with parents and children. During his speech he said that for 90% of the children he deals with, the problem starts with the Friday night meal.
The tzaddik R’ Shlomo of Karlin, one of the great disciples of the Maggid of Mezritch, said that the father (or parents) must take a nap Friday afternoon in order to be alert at the Shabbos meal. The Minchas Elozor, the Munkatcher Rebbe (whom the Rebbe highly esteemed), said in connection to what R’ Shlomo of Karlin stated that he does not understand why this obligation was not included in the Ten Commandments.
The speaker from LA explained how important resting on Erev Shabbos is, how it’s a must. It’s the foundation of a Jewish home and the foundation of chinuch!
He delineated the sequence of events: The father says something critical to one of the children or gets involved in one of their fights, and in the end they are all angry at him and he despairs and gets up from the table and is the first to go to sleep, with the mother following him and the children all awake. If they are upset and the child is somewhat older, he leaves the house without the parents even being aware of it and he hangs out with other kids who are angry like he is, and it goes downhill from there.
If you want your children to feel that the home is secure and is their security, we have an explicit horaa from the Rebbe to make a proper Shabbos meal. The parents need to be the last ones to leave the table. The father must be alert and run the Shabbos meal in such a way that the child looks forward to the Shabbos meal the following week.
“For all the Jewish people there was light in their dwellings” – every Jewish home has light when there is Shabbos, because Shabbos illuminates.
REMEMBERING THE SHABBOS MEALS
Here is another story. In America there is a practice of people going to Eretz Yisroel as part of organized groups. An older man in his 60’s-70’s joined a group from Young Israel that went for two weeks to Eretz Yisroel. He was a quiet person who sat in his corner spot in shul. The plan was for the group to be in Yerushalayim in a hotel the first Shabbos. Erev Shabbos they took taxis to the Kosel, as tourists like to do, to participate in the special Friday night davening. The group arranged to meet at the end of davening at a designated spot from where they would walk back to their hotel together.
When they arrived at the Kosel, they decided that unlike every Shabbos when they davened together in shul, this time they would disperse among the many minyanim in order to get a taste of the different customs.
After the davening, the members of the group convened at their meeting place, all except the older man. Of course, they did not leave the Kosel without him and they went to look for him. They finally found him. He was emotionally overwrought. He said he could not return to the hotel at that point; he would do so only when he calmed down.
They were all surprised because they knew him as a quiet person. There are people with excitable temperaments but that was the opposite of this older man’s nature. However they asked no questions and let him be. They waited while he paced in a storm of emotion.
After half an hour of waiting, he was ready to go back to the hotel with them. When they arrived there, they made Kiddush and began the meal. Then it was time to hear what had happened to the man and why he was in such a state.
This is what he said. “My parents were taken to Auschwitz when I was a child. I looked Polish and it was easy to hide my origins. My father arranged papers for me that said I was the son of the Polish neighbor. He gave all his money to the gentile neighbor who promised he would take care of me until after the war when my father could come and take me back.
“The neighbor was not afraid that the Nazis would discover me, because I looked like a typical Polish child. I joined his family, played with his children, and they treated me well.
“After the war, nobody came back because they were murdered. I stayed with the neighbors. I went to school and grew up as one of their children. Every Sunday I went to church with them.
“One day, when I was 12, I arrived home from school and saw a white tablecloth and candles on the table and did not understand what was going on. They said it was a holiday. Which holiday? They explained to me that they saved my life, but the problem was I was Jewish. Today the priest would come and take me to their church to make me ‘like one of us,’ and this is why they were celebrating.”
As he told this moving story, the man recalled that he did not see any problem with this and he went with them. But suddenly, on the way, he remembered something. His father had been a Chassid of one of the Nadvorna Rebbes who would sing “Shabbos Shalom U’Mevorach” with great passion. When his father would return from the Rebbe, he would sing this song on Friday night with such fervor, before the meal and during the meal.
“On the way to church to convert me, Heaven Forbid, I remembered that song. I could picture how my father was so emotional as he sang it, and I could see my mother sitting at the table along with my brothers and sisters. Even without knowing anything about Judaism, I thought: how can I go to this place?
“I stopped still. I really couldn’t go. When they saw this they returned home and did not bring up the subject again.”
The man continued to recount his tale to the members of his group. He attended Polish high school and at 17 the same thing recurred. A white tablecloth was put on the table and a festive meal prepared and when he asked what was going on, he was given the same answer. They would be going to church to “make you one of us.” He walked with them and once again, along the way, the song “Shabbos Shalom U’Mevorach” came to mind. Once again, he remembered his parents and he stopped walking.
At this point, as a young man of 17, he thought: what will happen if they try again? He was very afraid and he decided to run away at his first opportunity. He did so and went to work, earned money, and was able to get the paperwork he needed to sail to America. Upon arriving in America, he began studying Judaism and became a member of Young Israel.
“Tonight I went to the Kosel and walked around the many minyanim and heard people singing ‘Shabbos Shalom U’Mevorach!’ When I was a child, I did not understand the words of the song that had been sung in my parents’ home. This was the song that my father sang with such passion, the song which saved me twice from shmad! When I heard the song sung at the Kosel, I was emotionally overcome.”
This story powerfully illustrates the impact of the Shabbos meal and the songs that are sung, transmitting the warmth of Judaism to children.
In the beginning of Tractate Shabbos the Gemara discusses a textual difference between the first Mishna and how that same statement appears in tractate Shavuos. The expression that the Gemara uses is to explain the seeming discrepancy: “Here, where Shabbos is the main thing, it mentions the Avos and the Toldos. There, where Shabbos is not the main thing, it mentions the Avos but does not mention the Toldos.”
We can explain it homiletically, that when Shabbos is the main thing, there are the Avos/fathers and the Toldos/children, all are there on Shabbos. But if Shabbos is not the main thing, then we don’t mention the Toldos, there are no Toldos.
When Shabbos is the main thing, shopping is done on Wednesday and Thursday and thought is given as to how to make Shabbos special. Just as we prepare for a wedding, on Shabbos there is a wedding!
Sometimes people laugh at the custom of adding kugels on special Shabbasos like Rosh Chodesh etc. However, if it is l’kavod Shabbos, what’s the problem? True, it’s not a maamer Chassidus, but giving a special feeling to a special Shabbos generates good feelings towards Shabbos, and not only on special Shabbasos, because every Shabbos is special.
It is important that already by mid-week, parents buy nosh for Shabbos so the children see there is something to look forward to. They will anticipate Shabbos, which is a fantastic thing.
To be continued
FAMILY IS LIKE A BOOK
Many parents consult with me. Some say: I see what is going on in the street, how many children have fallen out of the system and we are very worried. They ask me for my opinion.
I tell them what I heard from my mother, Rebbetzin Sarah Twersky of Rachmistrivka Yerushalayim, who is a special woman who encourages and supports many people. In a special yechidus with the Rebbe in the winter of 5737, she was given a special shlichus to be involved in Taharas Ha’mishpacha, and till today she works with kallos.
She always tells kallos who consult with her: Parents to children are like the binding of a book with the children as the pages. When both sides of the binding are straight, strong and matching, the pages stay in well. Even if the page sometimes get crumpled or torn a little, when they are together with the binding, even if it is used a lot, all is well. However, if the binding falls apart or is crooked, then even if the pages are perfect, in the end it all falls apart, scatters, and the book is put into sheimos.
There are three problems that are responsible for 90% of the dropping out. There are other problems, but these are the main ones, represented by a book with one side of the binding missing: 1) in the event that one parent dies, G-d forbid, 2) in the case of divorce, and 3) when there is no shalom bayis.
Obviously, when tragedy strikes, that’s not under our control, but when there is a couple and they are not careful with honoring each other, then that is the greatest tragedy. The binding is not straight! In this case, there are the two covers but the pages are falling out because the binding is not straight. In the end the book will be discarded into sheimos.
On the other hand, when the binding is good and straight, then even if a page is bent, the book remains in the bookcase.
After becoming aware of the problem, we need to deal with it. When you invest all your strength into Shalom Bayis and, as the Rebbe Rayatz writes in the letter, into understanding, patience and all the rest of the things he said, you will get all the good things: nachas, people are pleased with him, the spirit of Hashem is pleased with him, and many more blessings.