What attitude should we have towards the children’s cleaning and preparing for Pesach? What do we need to be careful about when it comes to Chol HaMoed trips? How can we strengthen the family during Yom Tov? What sort of atmosphere should we be aiming to achieve in the home during Yom Tov?
Nissan and springtime are a period of renewal. In addition to preparations that every household, every family, and every community makes for Yom Tov, all of nature takes on a festive air. Flowers are blossoming, the air is refreshing, the kids are off from school and in many cases, so are the parents.
All these factors, together and separately, motivate us to get out, to get things done, to take trips and spend happy, quality time with the family. But before we give free rein to our feelings, we need to address some issues that pertain to our children and ourselves. After all, one of the themes of Pesach is “Relate it to your children,” a concept which, if we expand on it a bit, pertains to all aspects of our children’s education.
CHILDREN ON EREV PESACH – A HELP OR A HINDRANCE?
In many countries, children are off from school beginning some time during the first week of Nissan. Households are busy cleaning and organizing for Yom Tov. Parents should include their children in these jobs and not exempt them from taking responsibility for their belongings in their room or in the house in general.
Parents are sometimes inclined, especially with younger children, to consider children as a hindrance rather than a help. They look for a babysitter or some kind of program to occupy them and get them out of the way. However, I think that expecting a young child to take responsibility for his belongings conveys several important educational messages.
First, we are letting the child know that he is capable of carrying out what we assigned him. Second, we are letting them know we rely on them to get the job done. Third, we intensify his feeling of belonging to the family unit and the fact that he has a significant role to play.
Obviously, parents need to be smart about it and not demand more than their child is capable of, for this will frustrate him and take away the desire to help.
TO RELY ON THE CHILDREN
Things sometimes get more complicated with older children. It starts with the morning routine and their asking, “Why do we need to get up early?” “We are on vacation,” “We’ll do it later,” “It’s a long day ahead,” and other excuses that are meant to give them more time in bed. It continues with arguments about what they do and don’t want to do.
With older ones, I recommend arranging things ahead of time in a nice conversation in which parents and child(ren) discuss expectations and the division of labor. It is important to state clearly: We need your help and we expect your help.
At the same time, when they participate in cleaning for Pesach, parents need to use their brains and not constantly examine and criticize what the children are doing. When a child says: I cleaned and organized the drawer, closet etc. the parents need to accept that as fact. You would be surprised by how many of our older children will do a thorough job when they know that we are truly relying on them.
PAYBACK TIME
The pre-Pesach preparations strengthen the family unit, the cooperation and joint responsibility, and yet, they are the reason we enter Pesach in exhaustion. We naturally want to receive something in return for all the effort we expended and this “something” is Chol HaMoed with its outings and activities.
This compensation is sometimes very problematic and it needs serious thought on the part of the parents. First, we need to remember that it’s a Yom Tov and there are halachos that Chazal established which we need to follow. Parents’ inclination to be lenient sometimes in those areas that don’t seem halachically problematic can easily do away with the Yom Tov atmosphere.
Let’s start with clothing. I see children in shul on Chol HaMoed who are wearing weekday clothing, i.e. shorts, colorful shirts, sneakers, etc. Although it’s “just” clothes, every child knows that you dress up for something special. When we ensure that our children are dressed on Chol HaMoed as they are dressed on Shabbos and Yom Tov, we are letting them know that Chol HaMoed is part of the holiday. This is especially pertinent on outings that are prevalent on Chol HaMoed where, oftentimes, whether due to lack of attention or worse, the boundaries are breached.
There’s no question that outings with the family are important and they contribute so much to family cohesiveness, but problems do crop up.
DO NOT CONVEY A DOUBLE MESSAGE
Let’s take food as an example. Lubavitcher Chassidim are extremely stringent when it comes to Pesach. Nevertheless, I have seen families on trips where they spread out their food on some picnic table without knowing who sat there before them and what they ate.
Although the women spread out plastic tablecloths, there is still an inexplicable inclination to be lenient with the care expected of us when it comes to a “drop of chametz.” Somehow, it’s like there is no fear of chametz when out in nature. Obviously, this is not true.
This has a negative impact on chinuch because the children are watching and absorbing what we say, and, more critically, what we do. The double message that they get from us is that at home, when a fork drops on the floor they don’t use it anymore for that Pesach, but if they are outdoors they can eat in a place surrounded by dirt and chametz. This confuses them.
TZNIUS ON TRIPS
Another important point is where you go on trips. There are many events taking place on Chol HaMoed and we need to be very careful about tznius (warm weather will mean people won’t be dressed modestly) and about programs and activities in which there is a mingling of men and women.
Parents need to use their judgment as to whether a certain outing or event is suitable for their children (and themselves) and not be afraid to say no, even when the children kvetch. If parents are unsure about whether a location is suitable or not, I recommend being strict since generally, the surprises are not good, and places that we thought had no water at all and will likely have people who are dressed properly turn out to be water parks.
Guarding one’s eyes from improper sights is a foundation of Chassidic conduct, especially for children, according to that which is explained in Chassidus about the tremendous influence the power of sight has on the brain.
This pertains to hiking in wadis and riverbeds, rock climbing, bungee jumping and other crazy activities which can definitely be skipped on Chol HaMoed and left for other times of the year (or not at all).
Ordinary hikes in calmer places while wearing Yom Tov clothing are enjoyable and recommended.
DAVENING SLOWLY AND KINUSEI TORAH
To summarize, Pesach and Chol HaMoed are wonderful opportunities for a family to take a trip and strengthen family ties. Attention should be given to a suitable holiday schedule, davening slowly, attending Torah gatherings as the Rebbe said to do, and going on appropriate outings while being careful about the points mentioned above. All this will make Pesach a powerful educational experience for our children and for us, for body and soul, and we will merit, with Hashem’s help, the hisgalus of the Rebbe MH”M and the really big trip to the third Beis HaMikdash with the true and complete Geula.